Part 2:
-----------------------A BLOODY NOSE FOR COLIN---------------------
(A play in one act by Philo)
COLIN LONGMAN is engrossed a large book, which he is holding upside-down. Enter his friend, GEOFFREY PUDDLEGLUM.
GEOFFREY: Hey, Colin. Got your nose in that Cambridge Grammer of the Inglish Languige again, I see! Don’t know what you see in it, myself!
COLIN: Oh, it’s fascinating stuff, Geoffrey, really one of the most exciting stories I’ve ever read! You really ought to try it! I’ve just got to the bit where the hero reclassifies all the naughty subordinating conjunctions as prepositions as a punishment for confusing him so jolly badly. I can’t wait to see what mincemeat he’ll make of those rebellious nouns and adjectives – goodness me, they’ll probably end up being reclassified as interjections and banished to some remote island! Anyway, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?
GEOFFREY: Well, I came to tell you that there’s a linguists’ party on Friday. Would you like to go?
COLIN: Yes, I would.
GEOFFREY: OK, so what time shall I pick you up?
COLIN: Pick me up?
GEOFFREY: For the party!
COLIN: Oh, but I can’t go.
GEOFFREY: But you just said you’d like to!
COLIN: Yes, I would like to go, if I could – but I can’t, because Aunt Hilda’s coming for tea on Friday. You see, Geoffrey, the problem is that you failed to signal to me that you were using the sentence functionally. I naturally interpreted it merely as a theoretical interrogation conjecturing about the hypothetical likelihood of my liking to go under the highly improbable condition of my actually being able to, and responded accordingly.
GEOFFREY: You did? I mean, I did?
COLIN: Yes, whereas all you meant to say was “I hereby invite you to the party!”
GEOFFREY: Yes, I suppose that was it…
COLIN: So, in order to prevent this kind of silly misunderstanding from occurring again in the future and possibly spoiling our wonderful friendship, I suggest that you signal clearly to me whenever you’re using the “would you like to…?” construction in a functional way, so that I’ll know how to respond.
GEOFFREY: What do you suggest?
COLIN: Well, how about some arbitrary change to the grammar? That would do the trick… I’ve got it, from now on, when it’s functional, just drop the ‘to’ from the infinitive phrase.
GEOFFREY: You mean, say things like “Would you like go to the party?”
COLIN: That’s it. Then I’ll always know what you mean!
GEOFFREY: But Colin, that would be ungrammatical. There’s no such construction in English as *[would like V]...
COLIN: Don’t fuss about little details, Geoffrey. If it avoids miscommunication, it’s fine. Everybody will understand! I’ll even put it in the next edition of my book!
GEOFFREY: OK, if you say so. By the way, could I use your phone for a moment? I need to phone the others and tell them you’re not coming.
COLIN: Yes.
GEOFFREY: (Tries to use the phone, but…) The line is dead!
COLIN: Yes, it’s been dead for days. Couldn’t pay the bill on time!
GEOFFREY: (Sounding increasingly exasperated) But why did you say I could use it?
COLIN: Oh, were you speaking functionally again? When you said "could I use your phone?", what you actually meant was "please lend me your phone!" Sorry! Once again, silly me, I simply interpreted your question as a hypothetical conjecture. When I said “yes”, I meant simply that you could use it, if it were connected - which, sadly, it isn’t!
GEOFFREY: (Heaving a sigh and slumping back in his chair.) OK, so what do I need to do next time for a functional ‘could’ sentence?
COLIN: Let me think...I’ve got it: replace the infinitive with an –ing form. That’ll show me that you’re speaking functionally!
GEOFFREY: You mean, say “Could I using your phone?”
COLIN: Yes!
GEOFFREY: Even though it’s completely ungrammatical?
COLIN: Yes!! Now is there anything else?
GEOFFREY: Well, actually there is: would you mind if I punched you on the nose?
COLIN: Not at all…
(Suddenly reels back, clasping his nose.)
What was that for???
GEOFFREY: You said you wouldn’t mind if I punched you on the nose.
COLIN: Yes, but you couched your sentence in the past subjunctive, which I naturally took to mean that it was highly unlikely to happen. I didn’t think you were actually planning to do it!
GEOFFREY: I obviously should have said “would you mind if I punch you on the nose?” Sorry, old boy!
COLIN: There, you see how handy these alternative constructions are for avoiding trouble? A little solecism goes a long way!
GEOFFREY: Yes, Colin, you’ve convinced me!!
(The curtain falls.)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Now, have I convinced you??
;-)