I am now quite certain he'd been positively insane when he wrote it

[kttlt]

This is my translation of a diary entry by Tolstoy. I wanted to share this piece with an English speaker, but wasn't able to find an English translation online. I understand that you probably can't comment on the translation quality, so I just want to know if the text reads well in English, and if there's anything I could improve.

"I've been reading Nietzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra, alongside his sister's notes on his writing process, and I am now quite certain he'd been positively insane when he wrote it, and not metaphorically, but in the most literal sense of the word: incoherence, jumping from one fragmented thought to another by contrast or consonance alone, comparing without establishing what is being compared, all that fused by a single obsession — idée fixe that in denouncing all the highest principles in which human life and reason are grounded, he manifested his super-human genius. What must a society be, for such a madman — and an evil one at that, — to be considered a teacher?"

I'm particularly unsure about the part of the first sentence following the colon, and whether I used the past perfect correctly.

 

[emsr2d2]

This is my translation of a diary entry by Tolstoy. I wanted to share this piece with an English speaker, but wasn't able to find an English translation online. I understand that you probably can't comment on the translation quality, so I just want to know if the text reads well in English, and if there's anything I could improve.

"I've been reading Nietzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra, alongside his sister's notes on his writing process, and I am now quite certain he'd been he was positively insane when he wrote it, and not metaphorically, but in the most literal sense of the word: incoherence, jumping from one fragmented thought to another by contrast or consonance alone, comparing without establishing what is being compared, all that fused by a single obsession — une idée fixe - that in denouncing all the highest principles in which human life and reason are grounded, he manifested his super-human genius. What must a society be no comma here for such a madman — and an evil one at that no comma here — to be considered a teacher?"

I'm particularly unsure about the part of the first sentence following the colon, and whether I used the past perfect correctly.

See above. As you say, we can't comment on the actual translation but your piece is very well-written.
My only other minor gripe is that you opened with "I've" but then used "I am" later in the same sentence. I suggest you choose either contracted or uncontracted forms of verbs.

 

[kttlt]

I suggest you choose either contracted or uncontracted forms of verbs.

Would you say there's a good reason to not use a contracted form there? Am I correct to think that uncontracted forms help place the text further back in time, while the contracted make it slightly more modern? I'm currently reading Doyle and he doesn't seem to contract his verbs at all. I assume this might be the case with the 19th century authors in general, but haven't read enough to know for sure.

— and an evil one at that, —

Do we ever need a comma before a dash?

 

[jutfrank]

I feel quite strongly that you shouldn't use contractions. Tolstoy wouldn't have used contractions, not in writing. Apart from that, your text reads really well.

Do we ever need a comma before a dash?

No, get rid of it.

 

[emsr2d2]

I wasn't commenting on the general tone of contracted/uncontracted verb forms. I was simply asking for consistency in your translation. I agree with jutfrank that Tolstoy probably wouldn't have used them (if they exist in Russian!)