[Grammar] Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

[Morbie]

Re: Jack and Nancy

Tarheel
Thank you so much (again) for your suggestions and tips, I really appreciate it (again) !
By the way, he was surprised because he didn't think she would refuse to dine in a 5 star restaurant hehe... I guess if he had known women better he wouldn't have been that surprised.
Additionally, you suggested I replace "started planning" to just "planned". Is "started planning" wrong? Is it unnatural? That's actually one of the few things I thought I had written correctly hehe.
Thanks Again

 

[Morbie]

Re: Jack and Nancy

tedmc
Haha, I am glad you like my story.
Yea I agree with you on that one, the end is indeed abrupt. The reason for that is that I wanted to write a short story that won't exceed a page/page and a half.
Unfortunately I had written 2 and a half pages, so I decided to make a short ending that wouldn't include too many details, though I might extend it a bit and make it better.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Jack and Nancy

Tarheel
Thank you so much (again) for your suggestions and tips, I really appreciate it (again) !
By the way, he was surprised because he didn't think she would refuse to dine in a 5 star restaurant hehe... I guess if he had known women better he wouldn't have been that surprised.
Additionally, you suggested I replace "started planning" to just "planned". Is "started planning" wrong? Is it unnatural? That's actually one of the few things I thought I had written correctly hehe.
Thanks Again

Weii, "plan" is what he did. A lot of people would, I am sure, have no problem with "started planning". But I am not one of those people. You will, of course, use the words you want to use. However, I think the "start to" phrases are way overused. (I was hoping not to have to do so much typing.)

 

[Tarheel]

Jack and Nancy

Two things.


Use "OK or "okay".

Use only one "only" in the sentence with "only if the meeting would occur at her house".

You might want to use "take place" instead of "occur". It has a more informal feel to it.

OK, three things.

 

[Tarheel]

Jack and Nancy

Second paragraph. Rather than "exclaimed" you want something like "exulted" or "rejoiced" there.

 

[Tarheel]

Jack and Nancy

Say:

A grumpy old lady answered the door, and she spoke in an angry, irritated voice.

(There is another word which I didn't put in that sentence because it escaped my memory.)

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

When the big day came, he put on his most expensive suit, appled his best cologne, etc.

Say:

He arrived at Nancy's doorstep and knocked on the door.

It seems a bit odd to dress in a suit and tie if you are just going to hang out at somebody's house, but OK.

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

My daughter Nancy has been dead for ten years.