I need help for Songs Lyrics fixing mistakes :) I am a song writer

[jutfrank]

Perhaps forget all your roles might be slightly more understandable.

 

[emsr2d2]

To cover a cruise: I mean have money for [STRIKE]an[/STRIKE] a holiday.

Leave all your roles: I mean (no comma here) don't be [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] an architect, a chief, a servant, but only yourself.

See my corrections above. Again, you have random capital letters at the start of inappropriate words. Please remember that we use capital letters only:
- At the start of a sentence.
- At the start of proper nouns (Microsoft, Shakespeare, London Bridge, for example).

We don't use "cover" on its own to mean to have money for something. We use "cover the cost of" but "cover the cost of a cruise" has too many syllables for that line of your song. You could use "pay for" because it has the same number of syllables as "cover".
I prefer Piscean's suggestion of "forget all your roles" to "leave".

 

[Trace Vaon]

Don't hate me, I start with another song;-)
You are doing something very very special for me.

You belong to me, like a flower to its plant
you belog to me like water to its sea

one day I'll come and I'll get you wherever you are… wherever you are…
one day we will sleep together in the shade of an old oak tree .... wherever you are…

I will stroke your hair while you tell me about
your last swim at the river and the dives from the big blunt stone

you're cold, I see it, do not worry, I'm here with you again
we laugh together - staring into each other's eyes - everyone heard us from afar

 

[jutfrank]

everyone hears us from afar

I've changed the tense here to suit the present tense of the whole verse. It seems odd to use the past tense heard. Did you mean to do that?

The rest is all understandable and grammatical enough.

Just a quick question—are you writing in English or translating the original Italian?

 

[Trace Vaon]

everyone hears us from afar

I've changed the tense here to suit the present tense of the whole verse. It seems odd to use the past tense heard. Did you mean to do that?

The rest is all understandable and grammatical enough.

Just a quick question—are you writing in English or translating the original Italian?

Great!
I try to write in english, but it is not easy. Sometimes I need to translate from italian to english, using sites like "context.reverso".

 

[Trace Vaon]

A new song! this song is about war.


Why, that day in April, while the rebellion
still seemed strong and wide, you fixed your gaze on me
i was your shady business
Who first whispered you my name?

you are really my kidnapper - Disdain is more than hate
he who is inspired by evil brings death with himself
Nobody's land, opaque, violent damn land

I walked through the mountain, to cross the border on mountain paths
touching orchards of blossoming apple trees
did you think that I could have been useful
for your ruthless plots, your falsely revolutionary businesses?

 

[jutfrank]

you are really sounds unnatural. Can you change it to you really are?

with himself sounds odd in brings death with himself. I don't understand what you mean. Maybe brings death with him?

through the mountain or through the mountains?

businesses sound odd. Maybe business?

 

[Trace Vaon]

you are really sounds unnatural. Can you change it to you really are?

with himself sounds odd in brings death with himself. I don't understand what you mean. Maybe brings death with him?

through the mountain or through the mountains?

businesses sound odd. Maybe business?

you are really:Yes, I could change to you really are, it sonds good


brings death with himself : I mean that a bad man, a killer or a kidnapper is always surronded by death, deaths of innocents people. Do you think it is better to change it?


through the mountain: montain is the right thought

 

[emsr2d2]

Great!
I try to write in English, but it is not easy. Sometimes I need to translate from Italian to English, using sites like "context.reverso".

you are really:Yes, I could change it to you really are; it sounds good.

brings death with himself : I mean that a bad man (a killer or a kidnapper) is always surrounded by the death [STRIKE]deaths[/STRIKE] of [STRIKE]innocents[/STRIKE] innocent people. Do you think it is better to change it?

through the mountain: mountain is the right [STRIKE]thought[/STRIKE] word.

See my corrections above. You must remember to capitalise proper nouns, such as Italian and English. You seem to have a problem typing "ou" together (sounds, surrounded, mountain).

 

[Trace Vaon]

See my corrections above. You must remember to capitalise proper nouns, such as Italian and English. You seem to have a problem typing "ou" together (sounds, surrounded, mountain).

What do yout think about brings death with himself ?

 

[Trace Vaon]

Dears,
I post Lyrics of another song. This song talk about a young girl, her first big emotion with a boy.

I don’t wanna know your name
i don’t wanna be like you
i don’t see the sea over there
i don’t know if you can dream

I don’t wanna know your game
I don’t wanna breathe like you
I don’t see the fild over there
I don’t know how you play

And now, take my hand
Because I am burning inside
I'm scared of what's going on between us
I took off once before and now I don't know what to do

Please, hold my hand
Stay with me
Love scares me
Don’t let me down

For the previous song I don't undestand if this phrase works or not:
brings death with himself.

 

[Trace Vaon]

Dears,
I post Lyrics of another song. This song talk about a young girl, her first big emotion with a boy.

I don’t wanna know your name
i don’t wanna be like you
i don’t see the sea over there
i don’t know if you can dream

I don’t wanna know your game
I don’t wanna breathe like you
I don’t see the fild over there
I don’t know how you play

And now, take my hand
Because I am burning inside
I'm scared of what's going on between us
I took off once before and now I don't know what to do

Please, hold my hand
Stay with me
Love scares me
Don’t let me down

For the previous song I don't undestand if this phrase works or not:
brings death with himself.

Hi,
I know you have so much to do with the forum. I would like to thank you for the support you gave me.
Please, let me know if someone can help me again with my songs fixing (5-6 songs remaining). I would like to know if I can rely on your special help again. :angel:

 

[emsr2d2]

You can continue to post short extracts from your songs, one extract per thread and one at a time, in this section. Anyone who has the time and the inclination will comment.