Your thoughts about translated piece of poetry...

[easybreakable]

I'd like to hear from you regarding this, I can't say I'm satisfied with some word choices and I feel something wrong with the grammars.

I recall my days with you

I recall my days with you
like someone sees things through the window of a fast train:
deserted and beautiful
impossible to grasp...

From time to another
let's be children again
let's grieve without false pride

The day I die
I will think about that bright moment
when we stood in the darkness
on the porch of decision
You said hatefully: "I love you"
I will remember your voice

and death comes pleasantly
will hold me like a womb of forgotten joy
and I will whisper in a similar hatred:

oh how much I loved you.
​

 

[BobK]

What is the original? If the original is yours, perhaps this would a more fruitful place to discuss it.

b

 

[easybreakable]

The original is in Arabic language and it's not mine. I'm doing some exercise on poetry translation and in fact I used to post here and some members including "Raymott" used to help me here. IMO that forum is for sharing poetry not for help editing and giving advice.

 

[BobK]

Fine. I just thought more people might see it there; but if you've done it here before, carry on...

b

 

[easybreakable]

?!

 

[easybreakable]

Thank you very much, I appreciate your help. If you don't mind me asking, as a native speaker does the poem in English make a sense to you?!