[Essay] ...wrapped in oiled leather...

[rodgers white]

Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

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“I see father putting a book wrapped in oiled leather into a crevice. The scene becomes blurry, and then a feeling of many years, maybe thousands, passing. I see my grandfather, but no, it’s not him. There are others there with him, and they call him Yi Yang, but a voice tells me he’s Rui; his daughter Meili is there too, but they call her Debra. I’m confused by these name changes. More confusing is another girl with mother’s name, Jingying; she and Debra look like sisters, twins, but not quite identical. Somehow I know that they are but at the same time that they are not sisters. When I look at Debra, the voice says, ‘made’, and when I look at Jingying, the voice says, ‘born’. I’m not sure what all this means.”

Everyone else looks confused too, but Gan’s expression changes to one of enlightenment. “I think I know. Your grandfather and Rui were working on ways to give Rui autonomous mobility. When I left, they had already created machines in which Rui could put part of his mind and move about. They made one for Meili too, but the machines were too limited to be a permanent solution, and so, the work continued. Somehow, they must have found a way to make human bodies in which to put their minds.”

 

[Tdol]

From the context, I'd take the commas off around Yi Yang.

 

[rodgers white]

I have corrected it. So is there any room to improve, do you have any other suggestions？

 

[Tarheel]

I see Father putting a book wrapped in oiled leather into a crevice.

A crevice. Where?

 

[rodgers white]

I see Father putting a book wrapped in oiled leather into a crevice.

A crevice. Where?

Thank you for reminding me. As for 'a crevice', I mean a crevice in a rock wall.

 

[tedmc]

A crevice is a crack in a wall. I think you mean a niche.

 

[rodgers white]

A crevice is a crack in a wall. I think you mean a niche.

Yeah. That is what exactly what I want to say: Father put a book wrapped in oiled leather into a crack. Is it acceptable or possible?

 

[Tarheel]

No, I think crevice is better. However, people might not understand what you are saying. (It's not a word I see every day.) Of course, context might tell the reader that. (Obviously, I don't see that context here.)

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

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“I see father putting a book wrapped in oiled leather into a crevice. The scene becomes blurry, and then a feeling of many years, maybe thousands, passing. I see my grandfather, but no, it’s not him. There are others there with him, and they call him Yi Yang, but a voice tells me he’s Rui. His daughter Meili is there too, but they call her Debra. I’m confused by these name changes. More confusing is another girl with Mother’s name, Jingying. She and Debra look like sisters, twins, but not quite identical. Somehow I know that they are but at the same time that they are not sisters. When I look at Debra, the voice says, "Made," and when I look at Jingying, the voice says, "Born". I’m not sure what all this means.[STRIKE]”[/STRIKE]

Everyone else looks confused too, but Gan’s expression changes to one of enlightenment. “I think I know. Your grandfather and Rui were working on ways to give Rui autonomous mobility. When I left, they had already created machines in which Rui could put part of his mind and move about. They made one for Meili too, but the machines were too limited to be a permanent solution, and so, the work continued. Somehow, they must have found a way to make human bodies in which to put their minds.”

Autonomous mobility?

Be careful with quotation marks. Misplacing them can confuse readers.

 

[rodgers white]

Autonomous mobility?

Be careful with quotation marks. Misplacing them can confuse readers.

As for 'Autonomous mobility', I mean: Rui, a robot with a sythetical intelligence, has gained the ability of the freedom of movement without the control of human beings.

By the way, I placed the first paragraph in a quotation mark. I mean the whole paragraph is the words said by Lanhua, the daughter of Jingying.

PS:
You said, "The American comedian and filmmaker Woody Allen made a movie where he says, 'I've never paid for sex,' and the woman says, 'Yes you just have. You just didn't know it'." What is the movie where he says that? Is it 'Manhattan'?

 

[emsr2d2]

You said, "The American comedian and filmmaker Woody Allen made a movie where he says, 'I've never paid for sex,' and the woman says, 'Yes you just have. You just didn't know it'." What is the movie where he says that? Is it 'Manhattan'?

I just Googled it. Apparently, it's from Shadows and Fog (1991).

 

[Tarheel]

I don't get the "put part of his mind" part.
:-?

 

[rodgers white]

I don't get the "put part of his mind" part.
:-?

It's kind of a science fiction. So at first, Rui was invented accidentally with his mind dwelling in a very big computer. Later, Rui's inventor, Gan's father, tried to transfer Rui's mind to a small human-shaped robot with sythetical intelligence. But the process was full of turns and twists. After the trial and error, Gan's father could put part of Gan's mind into the core brain of robot. The research work was still going on at that time...

 

[Tarheel]

It's kind of [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] science fiction. So at first, Rui was invented accidentally with his mind dwelling in a very big computer. Later, Rui's inventor, Gan's father, tried to transfer Rui's mind to a small human-shaped robot with synthetic intelligence. But the process was full of twists and turns. After much trial and error, Gan's father could put part of Rui's mind into the core brain of a robot. The research work was still going on.

The term mind is an abstract concept, just as personality is. If you could move part of one from one place to another and did so it would be essentially changed.

Assuming Rui is real and you could transfer him from a mainframe computer to a robot, if you transferred only part of him it wouldn't be Rui anymore.

Are we writing a science fiction story? Is Rui an android?

 

[rodgers white]

Yeah, a sci-fi. Yes, you are right. It wouldn't be Rui anymore if you transferred only part of his mind. However, the process succeeded finally. I mean Rui's mind was transferred to the robot completely.

 

[Tdol]

It's kind of a science fiction. So at first, Rui was invented accidentally with his mind dwelling in a very big computer. Later, Rui's inventor, Gan's father, tried to transfer Rui's mind to a small human-shaped robot with sythetical intelligence. But the process was full of turns and twists. After the trial and error, Gan's father could put part of Gan's mind into the core brain of robot. The research work was still going on at that time...

Do you mean Gan's mind or Rui's?

 

[rodgers white]

Oops, my mistake. I mean Rui's.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

I just Googled it. Apparently, it's from Shadows and Fog (1991).

Yes. Jody Foster plays the madame in a brothel. It's his strangest movie.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

As for 'Autonomous mobility', I mean: Rui, a robot with a sythetical intelligence, has gained the ability of the freedom of movement without the control of human beings.

Aha.

By the way, I placed the first paragraph in a quotation mark. I mean the whole paragraph is the words said by Lanhua, the daughter of Jingying.

Aha again!

PS:
You said, "The American comedian and filmmaker Woody Allen made a movie where he says, 'I've never paid for sex,' and the woman says, 'Yes you just have. You just didn't know it'." What is the movie where he says that? Is it 'Manhattan'?

Ems beat me to it. (I only come here on days that start with T or S.)

Carry on!

 

[emsr2d2]

[STRIKE]Jody[/STRIKE] Jodie Foster

emsr2d2