When John went to a supermarket

[Bassim]

Would you please take a look at my sentences and correct my grammar and punctuation mistakes?

When John went to a supermarket, there were already dozens of people in a queue, young fat mothers with crying babies, teenegers with piercing and tatoos all over their bodies, excited chatty girls, noisy boys, middle-aged men with long beards and ponytails, and middle-aged women who dressed as if they still were teenagers. Everyone was eager to see a rock-star who had decided to spend a day working as a shop assistant.

 

[Barb_D]

Probably "the" rock star, because I would guess you have already said who it will be.

The tone is quite judgmental.

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

teenagers with piercings and tattoos all over their bodies

 

[emsr2d2]

I would use not only "the rock star" but "the supermarket" and "the queue" - it's clearly a specific supermarket being referred to and the queue is the queue specific to this rather bizarre event.
I'd probably also say "When John got to the supermarket" or "When John arrived at the supermarket", not "When John went ...".

 

[tedmc]

Wouldn't it be better to use a colon instead of a comma after "dozens of people in a queue" since it is followed by a list of the people?

 

[GoesStation]

Wouldn't it be better to use a colon instead of a comma after "dozens of people in a queue" since it is followed by a list of the people?

Yes. And OP should note the correct spelling of teenagers and tattoos.

 

[emsr2d2]

I'd use either a colon or a dash.

... there were already dozens of people in the queue: young mothers, middle-aged men ...
... there were already dozens of people in the queue - young mothers, middle-aged men ...

 

[Tarheel]

First sentence. Say:

When John arrived at the supermarket, there were already dozens of people in the queue: young fat mothers with crying babies, teenagers with piercings and tattoos all over their bodies, excited chatty girls, noisy boys, middle-aged men with long beards and ponytails, and middle-aged women who had dressed as if they were still teenagers.

 

[Tarheel]

Second sentence. Say:

Everyone was eager to see the rock star who who had decided to spend the day working as a shop assistant.

 

[emsr2d2]

Unlike Tarheel, I wouldn't say "women who had dressed as if they were still teenagers". I'd use either "women who were dressed as if" or simply "women dressed as if".