When George found out

[Bassim]

Would you please correct my mistakes in this text?

When George found out that his fiancée, Belinda, had been seeing another man all the time, he became disconsolate. He, who had been planning such a bright future with her, suddenly felt abandoned like a child at a fair. He confided to his friend, Robert, who told him he should think himself lucky instead. He never liked Belinda because of her shallowness and thought that George deserved a better wife. "Now you're free to do whatever you want, but imagine what a mass you would be in if you had children. She would have taken every single penny out you in child maintenance," Robert consoled him.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

If he only has one friend, put a comma before Robert. If he has more than one, don't.

He would be in a mess, not a mass.

In the US, we say "child support." I don't know what they say elsewhere.

It's good!

 

[emsr2d2]

Would you please correct my mistakes in this text?

When George found out that his fiancée, Belinda, had been seeing another man all the time, he became disconsolate. What do you mean by "all the time"? The whole time they were dating? Ever since they got engaged [which is when she became his fiancée]? Also, I think "disconsolate" is a bit weak here. He'd be heartbroken, distraught, furious, livid, or something equally strong.

He, who had been planning such a bright future with her, suddenly felt abandoned like a child at a fair. Why would a child at a fair feel abandoned?

He confided [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] in his friend no comma here Robert, who told him he should think himself lucky instead.

[STRIKE]He[/STRIKE] Robert had never liked Belinda because [STRIKE]of her shallowness[/STRIKE] [he thought] she was shallow, and he thought that George deserved a better wife.

"Now you're free to do whatever you want. [STRIKE]but[/STRIKE] Imagine what a [STRIKE]mass[/STRIKE] mess you would be in if you had gone on to have children. She would have taken every single penny [STRIKE]out[/STRIKE] from you in child maintenance," Robert [STRIKE]consoled[/STRIKE] said, in an effort to console him.

See above.

You have a habit of using inappropriate words instead than "said". There aren't many words that work that way. You can use things like the following:

"What have you done to your hair?", he asked.
"I think you should cancel the trip", she opined.
"Perhaps we should think again", he ventured.

Of course, you can use words that suggest a volume, too: shout, whisper, yell etc.

 

[Bassim]

I imagined Belinda had been seeing another man the whole time they were dating.
Would it be OK to say: "felt abandoned like a child left behind by his parents at a fair. "

 

[emsr2d2]

I imagined Belinda had been seeing another man the whole time they were dating.
You need to make that clearer. "She had been cheating on him/She had been seeing another man all the time they were dating."

Would it be OK to say: "felt abandoned like a child left behind by his parents at a fair. "
It's grammatical but I don't think it really works. Unless your reader was left behind by their parents at a fair, they don't know how that feels. Try to come up with something that more people have experience of, or just say something like "Suddenly, he felt that she had abandoned the happy future he had been looking forward to with her."

emsr2d2

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

See above.

You have a habit of using inappropriate words instead than "said". There aren't many words that work that way. You can use things like the following:

"What have you done to your hair?", he asked.
"I think you should cancel the trip", she opined.
"Perhaps we should think again", he ventured. . . .

But don't overdo it! Said is almost always the best word choice.