[General] ...under my burden...

[rodgers white]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

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As a mountain river, bids farewell and vanishes beneath a pile of rocks. So I, too, will disappear under my burden of sorrow.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

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As a mountain river [no comma] bids farewell and vanishes beneath a pile of rocks, so I, too, will disappear under my burden of sorrow.

Hm. I can't name a river that vanishes under a pile of rocks. They all go out to the sea.

 

[rodgers white]

Hm. I can't name a river that vanishes under a pile of rocks. They all go out to the sea.

Sorry, I checked the sentences and did some corrections before I realized you had already done the corrections.
By the way, it's a mountain river, so maybe it will disappear somewhere. Or I should say 'creek' instead of 'river'.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Sorry, I had checked the sentences and done some corrections before I realized you had already done the corrections.
By the way, it's a mountain river, so maybe it will disappear somewhere. Or I should say 'creek' instead.

Yes, I know it's a mountain river. Creeks and streams come together to make rivers.

 

[rodgers white]

Yes, I know it's a mountain river. Creeks and streams come together to make rivers.

You are right. I need to work on it and find another way to reveal what I want to express. Would you like to share your version with us if you have time to think about it?

 

[Tarheel]

Sorry, I checked the sentences and did some corrections before I realized you had already done the corrections.
By the way, it's a mountain river, so maybe it will disappear somewhere. Or I should say 'creek' instead of 'river'.

Yes, creek is better than river. (The word stream could apply to either one.)

 

[Tarheel]

The water runs down the mountain at speed. The rocks are uninviting -- sharp and jagged. But I head for the water. I'm thirsty!

:-D

 

[rodgers white]

The water runs down the mountain at speed. The rocks are uninviting -- sharp and jagged. But I head for the water. I'm thirsty!

:-D

I like your words, though a bit diversion. As for drinking the mountain water, I have something to say. When I was young, I hiked up a mountain. At the end of the journey or half-way down, I would stop at a spring and helped myself with the cool water from the mountain spring. The fact that I am telling you all about this indicates the water I drank at that time was quite safe. But now I am not so sure. Most of the world's surface water is polluted in some way and much of the underground waters are as well. There are so many problems, such as people relieving themselves in or near the waterways, strip mining, clear cutting, road maintenance, air pollutants, acid rain, and illegally dumping toxins. So these days I never trust it.:lol:

 

[rodgers white]

Yes, I know it's a mountain river. Creeks and streams come together to make rivers.

Yeah, you are right. I thought about it and made some changes. So what about this version now:

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As a mountain spring bids farewell and disappears beneath a pile of rocks, so I, too, will hide myself away in the deepest recesses under the burden of sorrow.

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The reason for the changes I made is as followings:

A spring is a place where water moving underground finds an opening to the land surface and emerges, sometimes as just a trickle, maybe only after a rain, and sometimes in a continuous flow. Later, it can disappear somewhere beneath a pile of rocks. Then from nowhere, spring water maybe again emerges from heated rock underground, giving rise to hot springs, which people have found to make a delightful way of soaking away their ‘secular sins’.

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Can anything be improved, or do you have something to share?

 

[Tarheel]

I like it! (The part in blue.)

 

[rodgers white]

I like this version:

As a mountain spring bids farewell and disappears beneath a pile of rocks, so I, too, will hide myself away in the deepest recesses under the burden of sorrow.



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So, is there any room to improve?

 

[Tarheel]

I would replace the with a. (I hope that burden of sorrow isn't too heavy.)

 

[rodgers white]

I would replace the with a. (I hope that burden of sorrow isn't too heavy.)

Nice. Acutally, there are lots of choices, such as 'a burden of sadness', 'a great burden of sorrow', 'the burden of great sorrow', 'the burden of anxiety and sorrow' and' my burden of fear, grief and sorrow'. It's really hard for me to tell which one is better. It just depends.

 

[rodgers white]

So, now this is the version:

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As a mountain spring bids farewell and disappears beneath a pile of rocks, so I, too, will hide myself away in the deepest recesses under a great burden of sorrow.



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Is there any room to improve, or do you have something to share?

 

[Tarheel]

One could ask "In the deepest recesses of what?"but maybe it's up to the reader to guess that

 

[rodgers white]

One could ask "In the deepest recesses of what?"but maybe it's up to the reader to guess that

Yeah, I think so. It's better for the readers to imagine where it's supposed to be according to their life experiences. Just like the sentence: as my final moments found me and I galloped toward the sky… The author is definitely not necessary to tell the readers : I galloped toward the sky to do what? Am I right?:lol:

 

[Tarheel]

I don't know. For one thing I don't know how you can gallop towards the sky. (You can gallop towards the mountains perhaps.)

 

[rodgers white]

I don't know. For one thing I don't know how you can gallop towards the sky. (You can gallop towards the mountains perhaps.)

I think all these things are expressed metaphorically. It's your spirit not your physical body. Just like 'even the darkest night promises a new dawn', if someone asks me how the darkest night promises, I have to say: sorry, I don't know.