[Essay] TOEFL Essay

[JohnAdam1234]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are
the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support
your answer.

I agree with the above statement that the parents are the best teachers. The parents teach us the necessary rules, manners, and skills, which are the essential tools for our development.
Language is the most important thing for human communication. Every child speaks his/her mother tongue. We learn language from our parents. They teach us how to communicate with people using the language.
We study manners from our parents. The parents teach us how to behave in a civilized society. We pick up the social rules and regulation from our parents. For example, the parents teach us always speak the truth.
We learn necessary lifesaving skills from our parents. For example, when we were children, the parents taught us not to touch fire because it burns our skin.
From the above discussions, we are able to say that the parents are the best teachers for us.

 

[eclectik]

The ideas are fine and clearly expressed, no problem there. However, the text lacks cohesion - it reads like a list. You also need to develop the points and expand a bit more with detail.

You need to use linking devices, relative clauses etc. Linkers are needed both at sentence and paragraph level, to make it flow and eliminate those rather 'staccato' sentences.

You may want to look at this recent post and compare the text and sentence structure.
Hope that helps!