the world was upside down

[alpacinou]

Is this good?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The fuselage was now spiraling. For john, the world had turned upside down.

 

[emsr2d2]

Is this good?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The fuselage was now spiraling. For john, the world had turned upside down.

1. Surely the whole plane was spiralling towards the ground, not just the fuselage?
2. You haven't capitalised the man's name.

 

[alpacinou]

1. Surely the whole plane was spiralling towards the ground, not just the fuselage?
2. You haven't capitalised the man's name.

Is this good?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The Boeing 747 was now spiraling. For John, the world had turned upside down.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

His world can't just be upside down if it's spiraling. It's upside down, right-side up, and sideways.

Give it another try!

 

[Tarheel]

Is this good?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The Boeing 747 was now spiraling downward. For John, the world had turned upside down.

I would say everybody on the plane had that problem. However, for some reason we are focusing on John.

 

[alpacinou]

His world can't just be upside down if it's spiraling. It's upside down, right-side up, and sideways.

Give it another try!

Do I mention all of them?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The Boeing 747 was now spiraling downward. For John, the world had turned upside down, right-side up, and sideways. His luggage was getting flung about.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Do I mention all of them?

I don't know. It's up to you. I'm just saying upside down dosn't really describe the situation.

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The Boeing 747 was now spiraling downward. For John, the world had turned upside down, right-side up, and sideways. His luggage was getting flung about.

cb

 

[alpacinou]

cb

Charlie, how would you describe inside a falling airplane? I mean the chaos inside the cabin.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Charlie, how would you describe inside a falling airplane? I mean the chaos inside the cabin.

Keep trying, and we'll keep telling you what we think.

 

[alpacinou]

Keep trying, and we'll keep telling you what we think.

I guess upside down doesn't work, does it?

 

[alpacinou]

Is this good?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The Boeing 747 was now spiraling downward. Everything and everyone was getting flung about. John was catapulted in the air and slammed into the cabin wall. He could see his blood dripping in the air. He could see his luggage floating as if it was weightless.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

He was bleeding. Blood was dripping from somewhere.

The luggage wouldn't be floating. It would be bashing into things. In fact, gravity having taken over, everything is headed towards Earth.

 

[Tarheel]

Nosebleeds drip. A cut on a finger might drip blood. Other than that when a person is bleeding the blood will get on that person or on their clothes more than anything else.

 

[alpacinou]

Okay. What about this?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The Boeing 747 was now spiraling downward. Everything and everyone was getting flung about. John was catapulted in the air and slammed into the cabin wall. He could see his blood drenching the seat's tray. He could see his luggage bashing into the isle-floor. Gravity was now his enemy. Gravity would destroy him.

 

[Tarheel]

Okay. What about this?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The Boeing 747 was now spiraling downward. Everything and everyone was getting flung about. John was catapulted in the air and slammed into the cabin wall. He could see his blood drenching the seat's tray. He could see his luggage bashing into the aisle-floor. Gravity was now his enemy. Gravity would destroy him.

Wow! I would hate to be in his shoes.

The good part is that doesn't last long. The bad part is is the sudden stop at the end when the plane crashes. Oh wait! There is no good part.

 

[alpacinou]

Is it a good paragraph?

 

[Tarheel]

I think it's pretty good.

You sure seem to want there to be blood. However, I think there is more likely to be internal bleeding than anything else. (It's just as bad as the other kind, but it's not as apparent.)

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Is this good?

The plane bucked sharply. There was chaos in the cabin. The Boeing 747 was [STRIKE]now[/STRIKE] spiraling downward. Everything and everyone was getting flung about. John was catapulted in the air and slammed into the cabin wall. He could see his blood [STRIKE]dripping[/STRIKE] in the air. He could see his luggage floating, [STRIKE]as if it was[/STRIKE] weightless.

Nice!

Some small fixes:

- We know it's now.

- Blood drips on or down things, it doesn't drip in the air.

- It's not as if the luggage were weightless. It actually was weightless.