the outlines of a jagged mountain

[alpacinou]

Hello.

I am trying to describe a situation when someone is looking at a river and also distant in the horizon he can see mountains.

I thought about it a lot and this is what I have now:

At night, he went for a walk along the river. As he stared at the flow of the river, a ghastly smell was wafting from the surface of the water. Out in the western horizon of the city, after the dim light of a ramshackle building, he could make out the dark outlines of a jagged mountain peak.

I know it can be made better.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hello.

I am trying to describe a situation where/in which someone is looking at a river and also far off on/far away on the horizon he can see mountains.

I thought about it a lot and this is what I have now:

At night, he went for a walk along the river. As he stared at the flow [STRIKE]of the river[/STRIKE], a ghastly smell was wafting from the surface of the water. Out on the western horizon of the city, beyond the dim light of a ramshackle building, he could make out the dark outline of a jagged mountain peak.

I know it can be made better.

It's good. One small point:

"At night" usually implies that he does it every night. But the second sentence suggests that this is a particular night.

- If he's just going for a walk on one particular night, the first sentence should begin with something like One night or That night.

- If he goes for a walk every night, the second sentence should begin with something like That night or Tonight. And if you want to be as picky as I am, you could change a walk to walks.

 

[alpacinou]

It's good. One small point:

"At night" usually implies that he does it every night. But the second sentence suggests that this is a particular night.

- If he's just going for a walk on one particular night, the first sentence should begin with something like One night or That night.

- If he goes for a walk every night, the second sentence should begin with something like That night or Tonight. And if you want to be as picky as I am, you could change a walk to walks.

It's great to have you here Charlie.:cheers:

 

[alpacinou]

Can I say "black flow" if it's dark? I know "dark flow" works but I don't want to repeat dark.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Yes. Water is black at night.

 

[Tarheel]

Gosh Alpa, you agonize over every single word. (Are you writing a novel?) As for me, I probably wouldn't bother to mention that the river is dark. It's night time!

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Gosh Alpa, you agonize over every single word. (Are you writing a novel?) As for me, I probably wouldn't bother to mention that the river is dark. It's night time!

You're right. I think Al is just trying to create a mood.

 

[alpacinou]

Gosh Alpa, you agonize over every single word. (Are you writing a novel?) As for me, I probably wouldn't bother to mention that the river is dark. It's night time!

I enjoy being meticulous. That's how I've taught myself learn the beautiful language that is English.

 

[emsr2d2]

I enjoy being meticulous. That's how I've taught myself to learn the beautiful language that is English.

See above.