[Application] Statement of purpose help -- opening para

[Suhas Servesh]

Statement of Purpose-- Not really sure how to start and after reading a few samples i felt, starting with quote is good so went with it ( and i did read that quote when i was little ).
If there are any grammatical errors, phrasing errors, please help me correct them. :up:
Thanks in advance !!!


“The great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense” –Thomas Alva Edison


This famous quote has inspired me greatly since I was a kid. Like young Edison and his interest in harnessing the power of steam, I was deeply fascinated by computers and the potential they hold since a very young age. With the advent of internet, both information and technology has seen remarkable growth. As a student of Information Science and technologies, with great interest in data management and network security, I believe that it our responsibility to make sure that the technological resources are used to provide the accurate data, on time and at same time make the users feel secure and safe with the transfer of data done online.

 

[billmcd]

Statement of Purpose-- Not really sure how to start and after reading a few samples i felt, starting with quote is good so went with it ( and i did read that quote when i was little ).
If there are any grammatical errors, phrasing errors, please help me correct them. :up:
Thanks in advance !!!


“The great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense” –Thomas Alva Edison


This famous quote has inspired me greatly since I was a kid. Like young Edison and his interest in harnessing the power of steam, I was deeply fascinated by computers and the potential they hold [STRIKE] since [/STRIKE] from (more common in that context) a very young age. With the advent of the internet, both information and technology [STRIKE] has [/STRIKE] have [STRIKE] seen remarkable growth [/STRIKE] grown remarkably. As a student of Information Science and technologies, with great interest in data management and network security, I believe that it is our responsibility to make sure that [STRIKE] the [/STRIKE] technological resources are used to provide [STRIKE] the [/STRIKE] accurate data, on time and at the same time make the users feel secure and safe with the transfer of data done online.

The quote is fine as an intro. See suggestions.