[Essay] ...speaking of love...

[rodgers white]

Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

***********************************************************

Weifeng’s father arrived and hugged his daughter while speaking words of love and affection, then gently released her and joined the two men sitting at the dining table. Longkai asked, “How’s it going so far? ”

Laohu wasn’t sure how to answer. Jiang spoke up instead, “Well, from a medical point of view she’s doing fine. She’s a little nervous, but the mothers are doing a good job of reassuring her. ”

Laohu nodded, and Longkai looked at Jiang and said, “We should look for the right opportunity to exit. ” Then, looking at Laohu, added, “You, my son, will have to stay. My advice is that as soon as one of the mothers gets up off the sofa, you go and sit next to your wife while we make a quick exit. Sorry son, but you have to stay. ” Laohu’s expression could almost have been described as terror, but not quite, and only for a moment.

Not long after, the opportunity arrived, and as Laohu headed for the sofa, Longkai and Jiang headed for the door. Once they were at a distance far enough away to be out of earshot, Jiang said, “I feel a little guilty leaving him alone like that. ”

Longkai chuckled, “Well, he has to stay. It’s his wife. My father did the same thing, and now I understand why. ”

Jiang nodded. “You are right. Besides, it’ll be good for him. ” Both men chuckled.

Longkai added. “It’s tradition. ”

Jiang repeated. “It’s tradition? Tradition is a great excuse for almost everything. ”

Both men laughed and then separated as they headed to their own homes.

 

[Tarheel]

It looks good.

 

[tedmc]

Well done.

 

[emsr2d2]

Weifeng’s father arrived and hugged his daughter while speaking words of love and affection, then gently released her and joined the two men sitting at the dining table. Longkai asked, “How’s it going so far?”

Laohu wasn’t sure how to answer. Jiang spoke up instead. “Well, from a medical point of view she’s doing fine. She’s a little nervous, but the mothers are doing a good job of reassuring her.”

Laohu nodded, and Longkai looked at Jiang and said, “We should look for the right opportunity to exit.” Then, looking at Laohu, added, “You, my son, will have to stay. My advice is that as soon as one of the mothers gets up off the sofa, you go and sit next to your wife while we make a quick exit. Sorry son, but you have to stay.” Laohu’s expression could almost have been described as terror, but not quite, and only for a moment.

Not long after, the opportunity arrived, and as Laohu headed for the sofa, Longkai and Jiang headed for the door. Once they were [STRIKE]at a distance[/STRIKE] far enough away to be out of earshot, Jiang said, “I feel a little guilty leaving him alone like that.”

Longkai chuckled. “Well, he has to stay. It’s his wife. My father did the same thing, and now I understand why.”

Jiang nodded. “You are right. Besides, it’ll be good for him.” Both men chuckled.

Longkai added no full stop here “It’s tradition.”

Jiang repeated no full stop here “It’s tradition? Tradition is a great excuse for almost everything.”

Both men laughed and then [STRIKE]separated as they[/STRIKE] headed to their own homes.

Please see my few corrections above. The main error you made was putting a space before each closing quotation mark.

With regard to the blue, underlined parts:
1 - I don't find "speaking words of love and affection" very natural. Can you try to reword it?
2 - The repetition of "headed for" very close together jars with me. Try to come up with something else for one of them.

You needed a full stop instead of a comma after "spoke up" and "chuckled" because they don't serve as alternatives for "said".

You didn't need a full stop after "added" and "repeated".

You didn't need "at a distance" with "far enough away". The latter made it clear you are talking about distance.

I struck out "separated as they" because it was rather tautologous with "headed to their own homes". For a start, they didn't separate as (at the same time as) they went home, they separated and then they went home.

With those exceptions, it was very well written. :up:

 

[rodgers white]

I appreciate your help so much. With regard to your question and suggestion:

1 - Can you try to reword it?

I find "speaking words of support/comfort" would be more natural.

2 - The repetition of "headed for" very close together jars with me. Try to come up with something else for one of them.

Not long after, the opportunity arrived, and as Laohu went for the sofa, Longkai and Jiang headed for the door.

 

[emsr2d2]

I appreciate your help so much. With regard to your question and suggestion:

1 - "Can you try to reword it?"

I find "speaking words of support/comfort" would be more natural.

2 - "The repetition of "headed for" very close together jars with me. Try to come up with something else for one of them."

Not long after, the opportunity arrived, and as Laohu went for the sofa, Longkai and Jiang headed for the door.

1. I should have been clearer. I didn't have much of a problem with "love and affection". I found "speaking words" rather odd. What else would he speak?
2. I think perhaps "... as Laohu went to sit on the sofa" would be better. "went for" (in BrE, at least) can mean "started to attack".

 

[tedmc]

1. I should have been clearer. I didn't have much of a problem with "love and affection". I found "speaking words" rather odd. What else would he speak?
2. I think perhaps "... as Laohu went to sit on the sofa" would be better. "went for" (in BrE, at least) can mean "started to attack".

1. The lyrics of the song "Let It Be" by the Beatles goes:

When I find myself in trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.


2. "Went to (meaning approach) the sofa" is better than the original.

3.

I find "speaking words of support/comfort"[STRIKE] would be[/STRIKE] more natural.

That is changing the meaning of the original sentence totally.

 

[emsr2d2]

Don't use song lyrics as examples of good, grammatical or natural English. Lyrics are frequently written to fit the rhyme and rhythm of a song. They are more like poetry than prose.

 

[tedmc]

There are other examples here.

 

[emsr2d2]

tedmc, I didn't say it was wrong. I'm not remotely surprised that there are other examples. I said I wasn't keen on it.

 

[rodgers white]

What about this version now?

*************************************************
Weifeng’s father arrived and hugged his daughter while whispering words of love and affection, then gently released her and joined the two men sitting at the dining table. Longkai asked, “How’s it going so far?”

Laohu wasn’t sure how to answer. Jiang spoke up instead. “Well, from a medical point of view she’s doing fine. She’s a little nervous, but the mothers are doing a good job of reassuring her.”

Laohu nodded, and Longkai looked at Jiang and said, “We should look for the right opportunity to exit.” Then, looking at Laohu, added, “You, my son, will have to stay. My advice is that as soon as one of the mothers gets up off the sofa, you go and sit next to your wife while we make a quick exit. Sorry son, but you have to stay.” Laohu’s expression could almost have been described as terror, but not quite, and only for a moment.

Not long after, the opportunity arrived, and as Laohu left for the sofa, Longkai and Jiang headed for the door. Once they were far enough away to be out of earshot, Jiang said, “I feel a little guilty leaving him alone like that.”

Longkai chuckled. “Well, he has to stay. It’s his wife. My father did the same thing, and now I understand why.”

Jiang nodded. “You are right. Besides, it’ll be good for him.” Both men chuckled.

Longkai added “It’s tradition.”

Jiang repeated “It’s tradition? Tradition is a great excuse for almost everything.”

Both men laughed and then headed to their own homes.

 

[tedmc]

I think "left for the sofa" is not better than "went to". We normally say "leave for a destination". The should be a conjunction (while) after "sofa" or the sentence would be a comma splice.

 

[emsr2d2]

"left for the sofa" definitely doesn't work. It's used to refer to places/things that are further away than just somewhere else in the same room!

Now that I've read the revised version, I realise I would actually remove "far enough away to be" as well. You can stick with "Once they were out of earshot, ...".

 

[rodgers white]

OK now?

*************************************************
Weifeng’s father arrived and hugged his daughter while whispering words of love and affection, then gently released her and joined the two men sitting at the dining table. Longkai asked, “How’s it going so far?”

Laohu wasn’t sure how to answer. Jiang spoke up instead. “Well, from a medical point of view she’s doing fine. She’s a little nervous, but the mothers are doing a good job of reassuring her.”

Laohu nodded, and Longkai looked at Jiang and said, “We should look for the right opportunity to exit.” Then, looking at Laohu, added, “You, my son, will have to stay. My advice is that as soon as one of the mothers gets up off the sofa, you go and sit next to your wife while we make a quick exit. Sorry son, but you have to stay.” Laohu’s expression could almost have been described as terror, but not quite, and only for a moment.

Not long after, the opportunity arrived, and as Laohu went to the sofa, Longkai and Jiang headed for the door. Once they were out of earshot, Jiang said, “I feel a little guilty leaving him alone like that.”

Longkai chuckled. “Well, he has to stay. It’s his wife. My father did the same thing, and now I understand why.”

Jiang nodded. “You are right. Besides, it’ll be good for him.” Both men chuckled.

Longkai added “It’s tradition.”

Jiang repeated “It’s tradition? Tradition is a great excuse for almost everything.”

Both men laughed and then headed to their own homes.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

There are other examples here.

Yes, but whether it exists or not isn't Ems's point.

It's fine for Rodgers to use it, but it's also important for Rodgers to know that it's stilted and wordy. Sometimes those are desired effect in writing. Now Rodgers can make a more informed decision on wording.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

OK now?

*************************************************
Weifeng’s father arrived and hugged his daughter while whispering words of love and affection, then gently released her and joined the two men sitting at the dining table. Longkai asked, “How’s it going so far?”

Laohu wasn’t sure how to answer. Jiang spoke up instead. “Well, from a medical point of view she’s doing fine. She’s a little nervous, but the mothers are doing a good job of reassuring her.”

Laohu nodded, and Longkai looked at Jiang and said, “We should look for the right opportunity to exit.” Then, looking at Laohu, added, “You, my son, will have to stay. My advice is that as soon as one of the mothers gets up off the sofa, you go and sit next to your wife while we make a quick exit. Sorry, son, but you have to stay.” Laohu’s expression could almost have been described as terror, but not quite, and only for a moment.

Not long after, the opportunity arrived, and as Laohu went to the sofa, Longkai and Jiang headed for the door. Once they were out of earshot, Jiang said, “I feel a little guilty leaving him alone like that.”

Longkai chuckled. “Well, he has to stay. It’s his wife. My father did the same thing, and now I understand why.”

Jiang nodded. “You're right. Besides, it’ll be good for him.” Both men chuckled.

Longkai added “It’s tradition.”

Jiang repeated “It’s tradition? Tradition is a great excuse for almost everything.”

Both men laughed and then headed to their own homes.

No run-on sentences! Congratulations! It reads clearly and smoothly.