she wants me to follow her

[alpacinou]

Is this good?

She wants me to feel as empty as she does. She wants me to follow her down that rabbit hole of loneliness. She wants be to cynical about people and their intentions as much as she is. She wants me to indifferent about others' pain. She wants me to feel everything means nothing.

 

[Tarheel]

Is this good?

She wants me to feel as empty as she does. She wants me to follow her down that rabbit hole of loneliness. She wants me be to cynical about people and their intentions as much as she is. She wants me to be indifferent about others' pain. She wants me to feel that nothing means anything.

Yes. It's OK.

 

[emsr2d2]

I'm going to say something I rarely say - I think you should remove all the full stops and the last four instances of "She wants me", replace them with commas, and turn it into one long sentence. I think it will have more impact. Give it a try.

 

[alpacinou]

I'm going to say something I rarely say - I think you should remove all the full stops and the last four instances of "She wants me", replace them with commas, and turn it into one long sentence. I think it will have more impact. Give it a try.

Is this good?

She wants me to feel as empty as she does, to follow her down that rabbit hole of loneliness, to be cynical about people and their intentions as much as she is, to be indifferent about others' pain, to feel that nothing means anything.

 

[emsr2d2]

Is this good?

She wants me to feel as empty as she does, to follow her down that rabbit hole of loneliness, to be as cynical about people and their intentions [STRIKE]as much[/STRIKE] as she is, to be indifferent about others' pain, to feel that nothing means anything.

See above.