She could taste the pollution on her tongue

[alpacinou]

Is this okay?

Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She could taste the pollution on her tongue after she opened the window.

What can I say instead of the underlined part?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Is this okay?

Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She could taste the pollution on her tongue after she opened the window.

What can I say instead of the underlined part?

I'd say: When she opened the window, she could taste the pollution.

(We know her tongue is where she's tasting it.)

 

[alpacinou]

I'd say: When she opened the window, she could taste the pollution.

(We know her tongue is where she's tasting it.)

Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She could taste the pollution after she opened the window.

 

[emsr2d2]

She could taste the pollution after she opened the window.

I don't like the word order in that sentence. I'd start with the fact that she opened the window. Try reordering it.

 

[alpacinou]

I don't like the word order in that sentence. I'd start with the fact that she opened the window. Try reordering it.

This?

Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She opened the window, tasting the pollution.

 

[alpacinou]

Jane looked out the window. The city was shrouded in a smothering gray-brown duvet of smog. She opened the window, her stomach clenching as she tasted the pollution.