[Essay] sharing things

[contiluo]

Please help me make the paragraphs below sound natural. Thanks.

Hello, everyone! My name is Stephanie. I am a fifteen-year-old girl of average height. I am a methodical person who always handles his works in a systematic way. It makes me more efficient to deal with everything. Besides, I have a generous heart. I like to share things with others. For instance, I often share cookies, candies, snacks, news, and knowledge with my friends and family. I like the feelings of sharing which makes us grateful, increases our trust, makes my life real, and means I am not alone.

Furthermore, I like to listen to music in my free time. The types of music which I like are soft music and pop music. While I’m studying, I often like to play some soft music to help me relax so that I can concentrate more on my subject. When I am down, I like to listen to pop music, it can always cheers me up, and makes me feel better.

 

[teechar]

Hello everyone! My name is Stephanie. I am a fifteen-year-old girl of average height. I am a methodical person who always handles [STRIKE]his[/STRIKE] her work in a systematic way. [STRIKE]It makes me more[/STRIKE] I am also efficient [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] in dealing with everything. Besides, I have a generous heart. I like to share things with others. For instance, I often share cookies, candies, snacks, news, and knowledge with my friends and family. I like the feeling of sharing, which makes us grateful, increases our trust, makes my life enjoyable, [STRIKE]real,[/STRIKE] and means I am not alone.

Furthermore, I like to listen to music in my free time. The types of music which I like are soft music and pop music. While I’m studying, I often like to play some soft music to help me relax so that I can concentrate more on my subject. When I am down, I like to listen to pop music; it [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE] always cheers me up and makes me feel better.

.

 

[newkeenlearner]

I like the feeling of sharing, which makes us grateful, increases our trust, makes my life enjoyable, real, and means I am not alone.

Is the following analysis OK?
I like the feeling of sharing, which makes us grateful, (which) increases our trust,(which) makes my life enjoyable, and (which) means I am not alone.

 

[teechar]

Yes, that analysis is correct. But I've just noticed it should have been "makes my life enjoyable and real, and means I am not alone."