Fear not only believe
Junior Member
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2013
- Member Type
- Student or Learner
- Native Language
- Croatian
- Home Country
- Croatia
- Current Location
- Croatia
Hello!
I would be really thankful if somebody read through these selected sentences from an essay. The essay can be found here http://www.srednja.hr/Photos/Razno/PDF/Primjer eseja_ENGLESKI JEZIK.pdf , so it's not a homework. It's an example given by a student and it was rated 100% on the Matura exam in Croatia. The problem is that there are some errors (only IMHO), so please check it and correct if needed.
To begin with the good sides, 18-year-olds form a more rellevant publicopinion by voting at this age. I don't get the meaning of this sentence.
Furthermore, voting, which is kind of a civil obligation, stimulates aserious implementation in social events. Should we put an a between is and kind?
Although one could be immature at 18, voting leadshim/her to crucially important contemplation that he/she is the one who, eventually, decidesabout the future of his country. Contemplation seems inappropriate to me, I would replace it with thought or revelation for instance.
We all have witnessed fine examples of those who hadchanged their political attitude becoming more aware of political happenings which, also,refer to them. We have all witnessed; the end of the sentence is odd
On the other hand, opposers to this theory emphasise that 18-year-olds aresimply not capable of being rational about voting. Isn't opposers of the right construction?
According to various psychological studies, people are,approximately, far more mature at their twenties. In their twenties
In spite of this, these parties maycome out to be the wrong ones because of their incapability to act as promised, while themore rational adults will choose serious parties, rather than 18-year-olds. Unnecessary comma (parties rather)
Taught by personal example, my modest opinion is that the aging vote should bemoved to 21 because the main mission of the young is to develop the country by studying andhard-working habits while the adults are there to elect. Apart from not agreeing with the conclusion :-D, two things stick out to me: "Taught by my ? personal example", and what does aging vote mean?
Do you agree with my remarks?
I would be really thankful if somebody read through these selected sentences from an essay. The essay can be found here http://www.srednja.hr/Photos/Razno/PDF/Primjer eseja_ENGLESKI JEZIK.pdf , so it's not a homework. It's an example given by a student and it was rated 100% on the Matura exam in Croatia. The problem is that there are some errors (only IMHO), so please check it and correct if needed.
To begin with the good sides, 18-year-olds form a more rellevant publicopinion by voting at this age. I don't get the meaning of this sentence.
Furthermore, voting, which is kind of a civil obligation, stimulates aserious implementation in social events. Should we put an a between is and kind?
Although one could be immature at 18, voting leadshim/her to crucially important contemplation that he/she is the one who, eventually, decidesabout the future of his country. Contemplation seems inappropriate to me, I would replace it with thought or revelation for instance.
We all have witnessed fine examples of those who hadchanged their political attitude becoming more aware of political happenings which, also,refer to them. We have all witnessed; the end of the sentence is odd
On the other hand, opposers to this theory emphasise that 18-year-olds aresimply not capable of being rational about voting. Isn't opposers of the right construction?
According to various psychological studies, people are,approximately, far more mature at their twenties. In their twenties
In spite of this, these parties maycome out to be the wrong ones because of their incapability to act as promised, while themore rational adults will choose serious parties, rather than 18-year-olds. Unnecessary comma (parties rather)
Taught by personal example, my modest opinion is that the aging vote should bemoved to 21 because the main mission of the young is to develop the country by studying andhard-working habits while the adults are there to elect. Apart from not agreeing with the conclusion :-D, two things stick out to me: "Taught by my ? personal example", and what does aging vote mean?
Do you agree with my remarks?