[Essay] Please point out my grammar mistakes, thanks a lot!

[Zhao Qingyu]

Our society have witnessed an demonstrable phenomenon that full-time university students inclined to concentrate on their study, which worried some people who believe it is essential for the students to participant other activities. In my perspective, full-time students not only need to focus on their studying, but also have to do other activities.

We cannot emphasize the importance of studying to much, especially for students. Students go to university to acquaint themselves with professional knowledge which could make them more competent in society. What is more, the knowledge in university usually very professional and complected, thus, students need to take more spirit and attention on them to get a good comprehension of them. Among those university students, full-time students don’t have enough time to get a long-term job and they usually have much courses every weekday, so they logically don’t have much spare time to do other activities.

However, under no circumstances can we brush aside other activities. It is important for full-time students to learn more communication skills and practical experiences and foster their vital idiosyncrasy such as leadership. Some activities could provide students opportunities to get these. For instance, full-time students can use their weekends to volunteer in national sports competitions to practice communication skills and cultivate-problems solving skills. Only Studying would never satisfy students’ need for strong competency in society.

To sum up, full-time students do need to study to learn useful knowledge, since knowledge is not their unique need, they also need to participant in other activities to get other skills and cultivate important characters.

 

[Tarheel]

Should students take time out to play?

When are you going to turn this in to your teacher?

 

[Zhao Qingyu]

Re: Should students take time out to play?

This is a practice whiting task for IELTS, it is truly doesn't matter when will I give it to teacher, I don't have to submit to someone or use it in some special occasions...

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

In an interesting development, more and more full-time college students have been concentrating on their studies to the exclusion of almost everything else.

 

[Tarheel]

College Students Should Have Some Fun

Say:

That worries some people who believe students should participate in other activities.

Or:

This worries some people who believe that students should also do other things.:

 

[Tarheel]

Re: College Students Should Have Some Fun

Perhaps:

In my view, full-time students not only need to focus on their studies but also need to take the time to do other things.

 

[teechar]

[STRIKE]Our society have witnessed an demonstrable phenomenon that[/STRIKE] It appears that an increasing number of full-time university students nowadays are inclined to concentrate on their study, which worries some people who believe it is essential for [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] students to participant other activities too. In my perspective, full-time students not only need to focus on their studying, but also have to [STRIKE]do[/STRIKE] participate in other extra-curricular activities.

We cannot emphasize the importance of studying to much, especially for students. Students go to university to acquaint themselves with professional knowledge which could make them more competent in society. What is more, the knowledge in university usually very professional and complected, thus, students need to take more spirit and attention on them to get a good comprehension of them. Among those university students, full-time students don’t have enough time to get a long-term job and they usually have much courses every weekday, so they logically don’t have much spare time to do other activities.

That paragraph is badly written and is off topic. Instead, you should present an argument as to why you think students need to do other activities.

However, under no circumstances can we brush aside other activities. It is important for full-time students to learn more communication skills and practical experiences and foster their vital idiosyncrasy such as leadership. Some activities could provide students opportunities to get these.

That's just waffle; it adds nothing to your essay. Again, you should use your second body paragraph to present an argument to support your position.

For instance, full-time students can use their weekends to volunteer in national sports competitions to practice communication skills and cultivate-problems solving skills.

I don't see the logical link between sports competitions and communication or problem-solving skills!

Only Studying would never satisfy students’ need for strong competency in society.

Again, that's more waffle.
I suggest you read up on how to structure an essay. In particular, learn what is a:
- Topic sentence.
- Supporting sentence.
-General-to-specific body paragraphs.

 

[Tarheel]

Should students make time for play?

Students focus on their STUDIES, not their study.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Should students make time for play?

Say:

We cannot emphasize the importance of studying TOO much, especially for students.

D'uh!

 

[bubbha]

Re: Should students make time for play?

..."to participant other activities"

"participant" is a noun. "participate" is a verb, and when followed by a noun phrase, it takes the preposition "in".

So:

..."to participate in other activities"

======

Also:

"For instance, full-time students can use their weekends to volunteer in national sports competitions to practice communication skills and cultivate problem-solving skills."

Why "national"? It's very difficult for ordinary students to qualify for something as major as a national sports competition. You have to earn your way in through excellence in sports.

Instead of "volunteer in national sports competitions", say "take part in team sports".

I added "team" because team sports are a good way to learn teamwork, team communication, and strategic planning skills; perhaps you should emphasize those, as it would create a logical connection.