[General] ...pine for you...

[rodgers white]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

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When the darkness spreads out over the snow and the birds call out... In the bitter cold of those nights I pine for you.

 

[Tarheel]

I think the ellipsis is there because something is missing.

 

[emsr2d2]

The fragment starting with "When" and ending with "out" is not a complete sentence. What have you omitted?

 

[Tarheel]

The beginning is good. The ending is good. What goes in the middle?

 

[rodgers white]

Good question. I am thinking about the missing part. Do you have any suggestions?

 

[rodgers white]

What about this version:

When the darkness spreads out over the snow and the birds sing, I am losing in your world until the silent dawn is slipping in with the winter daylight. In the bitter cold of those nights I pine for you.

Is there any room for improvement, or do you have any other suggestions?

 

[Tarheel]

What about this version:

When the darkness spreads out over the snow and the birds sing, I am lost until the silent dawn slips in with the winter daylight. In the bitter cold of those nights I pine for you.

Try that.

 

[emsr2d2]

... I am losing in your world ...

That's incorrect. What did you mean by it?

 

[rodgers white]

That's incorrect. What did you mean by it?

I mean I am lost in your world indulging myself in all the momeries we had in the past.

 

[emsr2d2]

I mean I am lost in your world ...

Then that's what you should have written.

 

[Tdol]

But do you not pine when the weather's warm?

 

[Tarheel]

Apparently not.
;-)

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

I pine fir yew and balsam, too! (As a scented pillow inscription, it's quite poplar!)

 

[rodgers white]

I pine fir yew and balsam, too! (As a scented pillow inscription, it's quite poplar!)

I love the words. It always reminds me of balsam pillows and balsam sachets. They keep my room smelling as fresh as a crisp morning walk through a forest in Maine.



It is Spring and the pine cones cling to the branches as new growth spurts forth red and green in the fir trees. I can almost smell the pines in this beautiful photo.

 

[Tarheel]

I agree. You can almost smell the scent of pine when looking at that picture.

 

[jutfrank]

So was I pine for you intended to be a pun? I must say, that's how I read the sentence in post #1, even though on closer inspection of the painting the trees don't in fact look like much like pines.