[Essay] optimal use

[contiluo]

I have revised the paragraph originally written by a student as follows. Please help me make it sound natural. Thanks a lot.

The influence of mobile technology on our lives is huge and even greater on teenagers. Cell phones can be a helpful tool or a harmful disruption depending upon the attitude and use pattern of the owner. We should make an optimal use of them. Therefore, the usage of cellphones in teenagers should be controlled, but they shouldn’t be discouraged from using them as they bring many benefits.

 

[tedmc]

I have revised the paragraph originally written by a student as follows. Please help me make it sound natural. Thanks a lot.

The influence of mobile technology on our lives is huge, [STRIKE]and even greater[/STRIKE] especially so on teenagers. Cellphones can be a helpful tool or a harmful disruption depending [STRIKE]upon[/STRIKE] on the attitude and use pattern of the owner. We should make [STRIKE]an[/STRIKE] optimal use of them. Therefore, the usage of cellphones [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] by teenagers should be controlled, but [STRIKE]they shouldn’t be[/STRIKE] not discouraged,[STRIKE] from using them[/STRIKE] as they bring many benefits.

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[emsr2d2]

Out of curiosity, Contiluo, could you please post the original (written by your student) so that we can see what changes you made?

 

[contiluo]

Student's original:
The influence of mobile technology on our lives is huge. But it even affects greater on teenagers. Cellphones can be a helpful tool if we use it in a proper way, but they can also be a harmful tool if we overuse it. That depends upon how we use it. We should make the best use of them. Therefore, parents should not control teenagers using their cellphones because cellphones bring many benefits to us.

My revised version:
The influence of mobile technology on our lives is huge and even greater on teenagers. Cell phones can be a helpful tool or a harmful disruption depending upon the attitude and use pattern of the owner. We should make an optimal use of them. Therefore, the usage of cellphones in teenagers should be controlled, but they shouldn’t be discouraged from using them as they bring many benefits.