On the subway Anna stared at the window

[alpacinou]

Is this correct?

On the subway Anna stared at the window, flashing between light and darkness and the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before her consciousness drifted off. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

 

[Tarheel]

Is this correct?

On the subway, Anna stared out the window, flashing between light and darkness as the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she drifted off to sleep. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

My suggestions.

 

[alpacinou]

Thanks, I'd like to know if my version works as well.

 

[Tarheel]

Well, she wasn't staring at the window. She was staring out the window. And she wasn't passing through the darkened tunnel and the brightness of day by turns. The train was doing that. So I would rewrite it.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

If she were looking her reflection, she was staring at the window. But the rest of the story tells us she's looking out at the lights going by. So use staring out.

If she lost consciousness, that means she fainted. You probably mean her attention drifted off.

 

[alpacinou]

If she were looking her reflection, she was staring at the window. But the rest of the story tells us she's looking out at the lights going by. So use staring out.

If she lost consciousness, that means she fainted. You probably mean her attention drifted off.

I mean she dozed off.
What about this?
On the subway Anna stared out the window, flashing between light and darkness as the metro went in and out of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she dozed off. She was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

Also, how can I express the underlined part in a better way?

 

[Tarheel]

Well, if she was on a subway she was underground. Or maybe she was only underground part of the time, which was why the train moved between the brightness of day and the darkness of the tunnels.

 

[emsr2d2]

You need a comma after "On the subway".

 

[alpacinou]

Is this okay?

On the subway, Anna stared out the window, flashing between the brightness of early morning and the blackness of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she herself dozed off. Anna was suddenly in her childhood house yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

 

[emsr2d2]

1. Who or what is flashing?
2. The final sentence makes it sound as if she has the memory of talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother when she was a child! I don't think that's what you mean.

 

[alpacinou]

1. Who or what is flashing?
2. The final sentence makes it sound as if she has the memory of talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother when she was a child! I don't think that's what you mean.

It's a dream/nightmare, not a memory.

Another try:

On the subway, Anna stared out the window, moving between the brightness of early morning and the blackness of tunnels. She then looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she herself dozed off. Anna was suddenly in her house's yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

It's a [STRIKE]dream/[/STRIKE]nightmare, not a memory.

Another try:

On the subway, Anna stared out the window, moving between the brightness of early morning and the blackness of tunnels. She [STRIKE]then[/STRIKE] looked at the drowsy faces of the commuters before she [STRIKE]herself[/STRIKE] dozed off. Anna was suddenly in her house's yard, talking to the skeletal face of her dead mother.

Other than those two unneeded words, it's good.

 

[alpacinou]

Other than those two unneeded words, it's good.

I don't like the days that don't start with T and S Charlie!

 

[Tarheel]

I don't like the days that don't start with T and S Charlie!

You don't like Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, huh?
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