On the bus

[Bassim]

Would you please correct my mistakes in this short story? I wrote it just as en exercise, in one go.

“You know well that Maria needs to spend this holiday abroad. She's been working so hard,” Viola said.

“Everyone needs a holiday,” Tom growled. “When I worked, I went on holiday abroad every year, but I paid for it myself.”

“She asked me just for some contribution. It won’t ruin us if we help them.”

“No way!” Tom shouted. “They won’t get one penny from me.”

“Please don’t be so loud. Everyone’s listening to us. There can be people here who know us,” Viola blushed.

“I don’t care. They have to hear what kind of a son-in-law we have,” Tom added defiantly, his grey eyes sweeping the passengers. With his white straw hat and white linen shirt and trousers he looked like a tourist on a way to same south European destination.

We were on the bus heading for IKEA. The rush hour had passed and the bus was half full. Everyone except children dutifully wore masks and kept distance. I had mine on also, but not because I believed it would protect me from the virus, but because I wanted to avoid the quarrel with irate elderly people who, if they saw me without a mask, would inevitably accuse me of trying to murder them. But now being able to hear my neighbours quarrelling while I could remain anonymous sitting close to them, I finally had some use of it. With my sunglasses and a baseball cap, I’d be a stranger even to my mum.
My neighbours sat in the middle of the bus on the seats facing each other. Their grandson, a boy about two, sat in a buggy between the seats, playing with his tablet.

“Please don’t talk bad about Andy’s father,” she said.

“The child must know the truth. Our daughter married an idiot who thinks he’s a genius. An artist, my as*! He makes naked dolls of the Queen and the King, let them hung from the gallows, calls the installation “The Death of Monarchy”, and then had the audacity to whine that people want to beat him up. But if you’re vulgar, you drew to yourself vulgar people.”

“Simon was named by critics as one of the most promising young artists in the country.” She announced for everyone to hear, turning around with her greying head high in the air.”

He snorted. “What’s the use of a promising artist when he’s broke all the time. Without our money, they’d be hungry. I told Maria she shouldn’t marry that clown. There’re enough hard-working men around who’d love her and treat her like a queen.”

“You don’t understand what love is,” she said in a loud voice. “Money isn’t everything in life.”

“Agree. Only don’t understand why they request it from us all the time. I worked all my life to enjoy my pension. I didn’t plan to support my son-in-law’s family.”

She shook her head and wanted to respond, but the bus arrived at the terminus. The doors opened and the passengers started to get off, my neighbours among first of them. In front of us loomed a cuboid-like structure in blue and yellow – the Kaaba of capitalistic world. I watched my neighbours up ahead joining the stream of the shoppers while still debating their family matters, but as the escalator took them up their worries would be replaced by the deluge of cheap furniture, carpets, rugs, crockery, cutlery, plants in pots, and other articles that capitalism had created to satisfy the never-quenched thirst of the masses. We who had for a few minutes eavesdropped with curiosity on the couple, would also soon be swept away into this materialistic sea, which does not drown you, but keeps you a prisoner from cradle to grave.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

Can't you help Maria s little? You know well that Maria needs to spend this holiday abroad. She's been working so hard, Viola said.

And:

"She asked us just for a little help. It won't ruin us if we help them."

And:

"There might be people here who know us," Viola blushed.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

"I don't care. They need to hear what kind of son-in-law we have," Tom stated stoutly, his grey eyes sweeping the room. With his white straw hat and white linen shirt and trousers he looked like a tourist on the way to some south European destination.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Would you please correct my mistakes in this short story? I wrote it just as en exercise, in one go.

“You know perfectly well that Maria needs to spend this holiday abroad. She's been working so hard,” Viola said.

“Everyone needs a holiday,” Tom growled. “When I worked, I went on holiday abroad every year, but I paid for it myself.”

“She asked me just for some contribution. It won’t ruin us if we help them.”

“No way!” Tom shouted. “They won’t get one penny from me.”

“Please don’t be so loud. Everyone’s listening to us. There might be people here who know us,” Viola blushed.

“I don’t care. They should hear what kind of a son-in-law we have,” Tom added defiantly, his grey eyes sweeping the passengers. With his white straw hat and white linen shirt and trousers he looked like a tourist on the a way to some south European destination.

We were on the bus heading for IKEA. The rush hour had passed and the bus was half full. Everyone except children dutifully wore masks and kept distance. I had mine on also, [STRIKE]but[/STRIKE] not because I believed it would protect me from the virus, but because I wanted to avoid the quarrel with irate elderly people who, if they saw me without a mask, would inevitably accuse me of trying to murder them. But now, being able to hear my neighbours quarrelling while I could remain anonymous sitting close to them, I finally had some use for it. With my sunglasses and [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] baseball cap, I’d be a stranger even to my mum.

[space]

My neighbours sat in the middle of the bus on the seats facing each other. Their grandson, a boy about two, sat in a stroller between the seats, playing with his tablet.

“Please don’t insult Andy’s father,” she said.

“The child must know the truth. Our daughter married an idiot who thinks he’s a genius. An artist, my ass! He makes naked dolls of the Queen and the King, lets them hang from the gallows, calls the installation “The Death of Monarchy”, and then had the audacity to whine that people want to beat him up. But if you’re vulgar, you draw [STRIKE]to yourself[/STRIKE] vulgar people.”

“Critics named Simon one of the most promising young artists in the country.” She announced for everyone to hear, turning around with her greying head high in the air.[STRIKE]”[/STRIKE]

He snorted. “What’s the use of a promising artist when he’s broke all the time. Without our money, they’d be hungry. I told Maria she shouldn’t marry that clown. There’re enough hard-working men around who’d love her and treat her like a queen.”

Although it's wrong, many or most people would say "There's."

“You don’t understand what love is,” she said in a loud voice. “Money isn’t everything [STRIKE]in life[/STRIKE].”

Money isn't everything is a fixed phrase.

“Agree. I just don’t understand why they ask for it all the time. I worked all my life to enjoy my pension. I didn’t plan to support my son-in-law’s family.”

She shook her head and wanted to respond, but the bus arrived at the terminal. [People might say terminus elsewhere. I've never heard it.] The doors opened and the passengers started to get off, my neighbours among the first of them. In front of us loomed a cube-like/cuboid [Cuboid-like is redundant.] structure in blue and yellow – the Kaaba of the capitalistic world. I watched my neighbours up ahead joining the stream of [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] shoppers while still debating their family matters, but as the escalator took them up, their worries would be replaced by the deluge of cheap furniture, carpets, rugs, crockery, cutlery, plants in pots, and other articles that capitalism had created to satisfy the never-quenched thirst of the masses. We who had for a few minutes eavesdropped with curiosity on the couple, would also soon be swept away into this materialistic sea, which does not drown you, but keeps you a prisoner from cradle to grave. [STRIKE][Mixed metaphor!][/STRIKE]

Do you see why those two commas are needed to keep those sentences from being confusing?

It's good!

 

[Bassim]

Charlie,
Thank you for your corrections. I have to tell you that I have always had a problem with the correct the use of comma. I know the rules, but sometimes I think I could drop it, which later I get to understand was a mistakes. But I appreciate that you correct my mistakes, and I hope I'll learn from them.

I am wondering if I could end my last sentence in this way.

"We who had for a few minutes eavesdropped with curiosity on the couple, would also soon be swept away into this materialistic sea, which does not drown you, but keeps you a prisoner and exploits you and your feelings until your death.

 

[Tarheel]

I have never used (and never heard) there're and for good reason. A contraction is normally shorter and easier to say than the uncontracted version. (I absolutely detest there're.)

 

[Tarheel]

The second paragraph is a good example of telling the reader something without saying it directly. That is, we know from that that Tom worked for a long time but is now retired.

 

[Tarheel]

Nonprofit organizations ask for contributions. Individuals normally ask for help (or a loan).

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Nonprofit organizations ask for contributions. Individuals normally ask for help (or a loan).

Yes, that stopped me, too. Fix it, Bassim!

 

[Bassim]

Charlie,

I think that Tarheel's version is OK.

"She asked us just for a little help. It won't ruin us if we help them."

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Charlie,
Thank you for your corrections. I have to tell you that I have always had a problem with the correct the use of comma. I know the rules, but sometimes I think I could drop it, which later I get to understand was a mistakes. But I appreciate that you correct my mistakes, and I hope I'll learn from them.

I am wondering if I could end my last sentence in this way.

"We who had for a few minutes eavesdropped with curiosity on the couple, would also soon be swept away into this materialistic sea, which does not drown you, but keeps you a prisoner and exploits you and your feelings until your death.

It's still a mixed metaphor. It starts out in the water and end up in prison.

 

[Bassim]

Would this version be OK?

We who had for a few minutes eavesdropped with curiosity on the couple, would also soon be swept away into this materialistic sea, which does not drown you, but held you spellbound and exploit you and your feelings until your death.

 

[Tarheel]

Bassim, nobody wants to be referred to as one of the masses or as ordinary.

What word do I use? (I knew you'd ask that.) People.

 

[Tarheel]

Bassim, have you heard of Thomas Sowell?

 

[Bassim]

Tarheel,

I've heard of him but I didn't read any of his books. I'm mostly interested in the influence that capitalism has on human mind. I hate capitalism because I see around me how it damages people. Capitalism has pervaded everything, from politics, literature, media, health care to the interaction among people. When I was young, I though that people bought paintings because they wanted to have them on their walls, but nowadays they buy paintings as an investment and lock them in a safe. I'd be ashamed of myself if I bought a painting as an investment. Capitalism creates an illusion and then sells it to the people who have money but lack imagination. Capitalism encourages greed, because a greedy person will never tire of spending and accumulating objects. But the worst is that capitalism exploits feelings and turns them into goods that can be sold at an appropriate moment.

I have an ability to take a distance from the society and view it in another perspective, and I see how the behaviour of ordinary people is controlled by capitalism. Unfortunately, they don't see that as they are part of the system. I can't fight against capitalism but I live by own rules. I buy mostly food and nothing more, and I am never swayed by an advertisement. My curtains are the cheapest I could have found - 3 dollars a piece, but I see woman with their husbands who spend hundreds of dollars on them. I don't think they are happier for that. For some reason women are more susceptible to spending than men, which can also be seen in the advertisements directed especially to them.

I think that everything what we need, we have already inside of us, the problem is that many people are too lazy to look for it. Of course it is easier to switch on TV and watch a Hollywood film for two hours then use your own brain and imagination, but the difference is enormous. In the first option, you are nothing but an object and consumer, but in the second you are human being who creates something.

I apologize for this long reply that has become almost an essay.

 

[Tarheel]

Bassim,

You and Karl Marx would have been quite compatible.

 

[Bassim]

Tarheel,

I had an opportunity to see here in Sweden the transformation my fellow countrymen had undergone under these years. When we lived in Yugoslavia, they were satisfied if they had a car, no matter how cheap or expensive it was. If they had a little Fiat they never complained. You had probably heard of " Yugo", a Yugoslav product that was exported also to the US. They say that was the worst car ever driven on the US roads. But hundreds of thousands drove it every day in Yugoslavia, and they were satisfied.

Nowadays I see my countrymen buying a new BMW, Audi, Mercedes, Toyota and other models and spending large amounts of money on them, although they don't need them, because they never drive long distances. They have at least three or more credits and they work even on Sundays because they want to earn more money. At the same time, they have never treated their wives to a dinner. What kind of life is that? Before, they all laughed at me because I had neither a car nor a bike. But nowadays they don't laugh because I'm free and they are burdened with their credits and their dead objects. I think that everyone has a choice as whether you value your inner life or material objects.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Would this version be OK?

We who had for a few minutes eavesdropped with curiosity on the couple, would also soon be swept away into this materialistic sea, which does not drown you, but holds you spellbound and exploits you and your feelings until your death.

It's still a mixed metaphor. Now you're switching from a nautical metaphor to a hypnosis metaphor.

If start you with a nautical metaphor, stick with it through the sentence. It does not drown you but . . .

. . . casts you adrift on a sea of gluttony and waste.

. . . strands you on a desert island of purposeless greed.

. . . takes the wind from your sails and leaves you adrift in the doldrums of crass desire.​

Now it's your turn to end the sentence.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Tarheel,

I've heard of him but I didn't read any of his books. I'm mostly interested in the influence that capitalism has on human mind. I hate capitalism because I see around me how it damages people. Capitalism has pervaded everything, from politics, literature, media, health care to the interaction among people. When I was young, I though that people bought paintings because they wanted to have them on their walls, but nowadays they buy paintings as an investment and lock them in a safe. I'd be ashamed of myself if I bought a painting as an investment. Capitalism creates an illusion and then sells it to the people who have money but lack imagination. Capitalism encourages greed, because a greedy person will never tire of spending and accumulating objects. But the worst is that capitalism exploits feelings and turns them into goods that can be sold at an appropriate moment.

I have an ability to take a distance from the society and view it in another perspective, and I see how the behaviour of ordinary people is controlled by capitalism. Unfortunately, they don't see that as they are part of the system. I can't fight against capitalism but I live by own rules. I buy mostly food and nothing more, and I am never swayed by an advertisement. My curtains are the cheapest I could have found - 3 dollars a piece, but I see woman with their husbands who spend hundreds of dollars on them. I don't think they are happier for that. For some reason women are more susceptible to spending than men, which can also be seen in the advertisements directed especially to them.

I think that everything what we need, we have already inside of us, the problem is that many people are too lazy to look for it. Of course it is easier to switch on TV and watch a Hollywood film for two hours then use your own brain and imagination, but the difference is enormous. In the first option, you are nothing but an object and consumer, but in the second you are human being who creates something.

I apologize for this long reply that has become almost an essay.

I know a guy who deals in rare guitars.

He sold one to a collector who closed the guitar case, locked it, and said, "There's a guitar that will never see daylight again!"

 

[Bassim]

Charlie,
I think your versions of my sentence are far superior to anything I could imagine.
But I'll give it a try.
Would this version be OK?

We who had for a few minutes eavesdropped with curiosity on the couple, would also soon be swept away into this materialistic sea, which does not drown you, but takes you to the high seas of consumption and greed, from which you will never set your foot upon firm land again.