On his last work day

[Bassim]

Would you please correct the mistakes in this text, which I wrote just as an exercise.


On his last workday before retirement, Andy received dozens of presents from his colleagues. They came up to him, shook his hand, patted him friendly on the shoulder and wished him happy retirement. They grinned at him and were the embodiment of kindness and compassion, but Andy knew this was just a facade behind which skulked malice and envy. He had been working with them for decades and knew they were glad to see the back of him. He went back to his cubicle and, out of curiosity, opened one of the bags he just received. It contained a few packs of incontinence pads for men. He picked up a blue, soft pack and felt as if someone had smeared his face with excrement. His body was burning, the rage building up inside him. He heard sniggers and whispers - schadenfreude, which was their nourishment. They were like rats spreading disease. If he had a gun with him, he wouldn't hesitate a moment. He would calmly walk over and shoot them right in the head. All six of them.

He put the pack back in the bag, which she tossed under the desk. He was going to stay calm those few remaining hours, and then close the door behind him and never come back. But he had not finished with them. He had a plan. He was going to pick them up one after another and take revenge for all he had gone through. He had plenty of time before him. People say you should enjoy your retirement. He would surely do.

 

[Tarheel]

Would you please correct the mistakes in this text, which I wrote just as an exercise.


On his last workday before retirement, Andy received dozens of presents from his colleagues. They came up to him, shook his hand, patted him on the shoulder and wished him a happy retirement. They grinned at him and were the embodiment of kindness and compassion, but Andy knew it was a facade behind which skulked malice and envy. He had been working with them for decades and knew they were glad to see him go. He went back to his cubicle and, out of curiosity, opened one of the bags he had just received. It contained a few packs of incontinence pads for men. He picked up a blue, soft pack and felt as if someone had smeared his face with excrement. His body was burning, the rage building up inside him. He heard sniggers and whispers - schadenfreude, which was their nourishment. They were like rats spreading disease. If he had a gun with him, he wouldn't have hesitated a second He would have walked over and shot them right in the head. All six of them.

He put the pack back in the bag, which he tossed under the desk. He was going to stay calm those few remaining hours, and then close the door behind him and never come back. But he had not finished with them. He had a plan. He was going to pick them up one after another and take revenge for all he had gone through. He had plenty of time ahead of him. People say you should enjoy your retirement. He surely would.

That wasn't a very thoughtful gift.
:shock:

Two things.

You could say someone patted somebody on the back in a friendly manner, but while it isn't terrible it's pretty much taken for granted that's the way you pat somebody on the back.

Also, shouldn't shadenfreude get an umlaut?
;-) (It should be italicized.)

 

[Bassim]

I wrote correctly "schadenfreude". It was imported from German just as it was nouveau riche from French, and both are written in their original versions.

I can imagine this text as a beginning of a film. A 65-year old man is retired, but still has a grudge against his former colleagues. The next 90 minutes, the public can watch him taking revenge on all six people in a sophisticated way, without any violence. I believe many would sympathise with him.

 

[Tarheel]

People might sympathize with him if they understood why he had the grudge in the first place. You would need background for that. (Or maybe flashbacks.)

I was only tweaking with the comment about the umlaut. Anyhow, I think you're right that schadenfreude doesn't take an umlaut. (There is no word in English for that, so we had to borrow one.)