need help checking this long sentence

[Yueehs]

Hi everyone,

Is this sentence correct?

Mr. Tay say that we need to hire young sales engineers and train them to become sales managers which will eventually replacing our existing sales managers when they retire in coming years.

Is there a way to shorten it?

 

[emsr2d2]

Mr. Tay say

Does that look right to you?

 

[Yueehs]

Does that look right to you?

Mr. Tay says?

 

[emsr2d2]

Hi everyone.

Is this sentence correct?

Mr. Tay says that we need to hire young sales engineers and train them [STRIKE]to become sales managers which will eventually[/STRIKE] so they can [STRIKE]replacing[/STRIKE] replace our existing sales managers when they retire. [STRIKE]in the coming years.[/STRIKE]

Is there a way to shorten it?

Above is one way to shorten it.