[General] My Second Attempt of Joining the Bank

[Economist2010]

I appreciate your help on editing the below e-mail. I am going to send it to a CEO.

"Without going into details, I know that my earlier prospect/attempt of joining the bank got messed up/was muddled and there was a bad luck or misfortune although your and Mr. Hussam's enthusiasm in my candidacy.

From the standpoint that the bank supports and gives way to young energies, I am writing to you today to renew your confidence in me as a candidate and to give me a chance to add value to the bank and I assure that your confidence will prove justified.

Accordingly, I put on myself a commitment of tripling or above triple the figures in three month time. If I didn't achieve that, will provide my resignation to the bank. Let's make that as a deal I will triple the figures of new acquisition, value, and utilisation. Only made possible through your support. If I not succeed, I will quit.

I hope that you see that is in the interest of the bank and that you give me the full support to make this success story."

 

[probus]

First off, your title is wrong. We make an attempt at something, not of.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

I commit myself to tripling the figures within three months.

What figures?

You talk a lot about enthusiasm -- other people's enthusiasm. That is something that is not under your control.

Don't use the first paragraph. Or the second. (It's probably not a good idea to talk about quitting before you even get the job.)

 

[Economist2010]

Perhaps:

I commit myself to tripling the figures within three months.

What figures?

You talk a lot about enthusiasm -- other people's enthusiasm. That is something that is not under your control.

Don't use the first paragraph. Or the second. (It's probably not a good idea to talk about quitting before you even get the job.)

I mean figures of revenues, acquisition, etc. This term is commonly used in business.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

I appreciate your help [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] editing the below e-mail. I am going to send it to a CEO.

[STRIKE]"[/STRIKE]Without going into details, I know that my earlier attempt to join the bank was turned down despite your and Mr. Hussam's enthusiasm for my candidacy.

Because the bank supports and gives opportunities to young energy, I am writing [STRIKE]to you today[/STRIKE] to renew your interest in me as a candidate and to give me a chance to add value to the bank. I assure you your confidence will prove justified.

Accordingly, I will commit myself to tripling your new acquisition, value, and utilization figures in three month time. If I don't achieve that, I will resign. Let's make that the deal.[STRIKE]I will triple the figures of new acquisition, value, and utilisation. Only made possible through your support. If I not succeed, I will quit.[/STRIKE]

I hope that you see that this is in the interest of the bank. Your support will make this a success story.[STRIKE]"[/STRIKE]

Hi, Eco!

What is your relationship to the CEO? Have you met him? Where? How well do you know him?

Telling us that will help us know the appropriate wording for your emails.

Thanks!

 

[emsr2d2]

I wouldn't use "join the bank" to mean "get a job with the bank". For me, "join the bank" is more likely to mean "open an account with the bank".

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

I agree. I almost changed it to "work for" when I edited it, but there were more important mistakes to fix.

I should have.

Eco, tell us about your relationship to the CEO. That will help us help you.

 

[Tdol]

Three months' time

 

[emsr2d2]

Out of curiosity, Economist2010, why did you capitalise random words in your thread title?