[Application] Motivation letter proofreading

[babsaen]

Hello,
I want to apply for a Summer School during next summer and I would be very thankful if someone take a quick look over my motivation letter.
Thank you in advance!

Dear Sir or Madam,

With the aid of this letter, I would like to express my interest in taking part in the"XY". In particular I am interested in the course "XY".

In September 2016 I completed my Bachelor's degree with focus on" Controlling", "Marketing and International Marketing" as well as "Production and Logistics Management" at the XY university in Upper Austria. Since October 2016, I am now in the Master'sdegree program "Finance and Accounting". Next semester I will deepen my knowledge about "Finance and Managerial Accounting" since I am striving for a position in the area of controlling.

At XY university I already had the chance to gain initial experience with international students. Within the mentoring-program, which is offered at university, I assumed the role as a"mentor", the contact person for 3 or 4 so-called "mentees", twice. I enjoyed spending time together with my mentees and I noticed how glad they are about their decision spending a semester abroad. Generally, many of my colleagues have told me how great and instructive their stay abroad was. Therefore, I think that it is time now for me to change roles and to go abroad by myself.

Regrettably a whole semester abroad is not eligible for me since I am working on the side. However, I do not want to miss the chance of being abroad while studying, which is why I am applying for the "International Summer Academy 2017". Your offer of the Summer School would perfectly agree with my work. Thanks to the XY Summer Academy, I could benefit from the advantages of a stay abroad without being a whole semester away from home.

Among these advantages, the following two things are the most important ones for me: firstly, the use and improvement of my English language skills since a language is best learned through speaking. The second point is, that the one-month Summer school is an opportunity for me to develop on a personal level. This stay would give me the chance to take matters into my own hands and to manage the stay on my own. Of course my current studies also require a lot of self-employment. However, a one-month stay abroad offers greater opportunities and obstacles. Furthermore, I am looking forward getting in touch with other students from different countries. Through my function as a mentor I have already overcome my inhibitions for go into foreign cultures.

During a weekend trip to Helsinki, I got the chance to gain first insights into the Finnish culture, language and mentality. I was also able to get a short impression of the people and the country. Since this weekend I immediately knew that I want to know more about Finnland, its culture, its people and its language.This is why the course “XY” suits me perfectly. Moreover, your university enjoys a very good reputation at my home university and the preparation of your homepage also appeals to me. Therefore, I would not miss the chance of attending the one-month Summer School.

In summary, the Summer School would give me the opportunity to meet new cultures and people and I am quite sure, I would not only benefit from it educationally but also personally. Further, the Summer School would be the perfect balance to my interesting but slightly dry and regular field of study.

I would highly appreciate to be one of the selected participants.

Yours sincerely,

 

[Tarheel]

Delete "With the aid of this letter".

 

[Tarheel]

Second paragraph. Say:

Since October 2016 I have been in the master degree program.

 

[Tarheel]

Third paragraph. Second sentence. Try:

At XY University I gained experience working with international students.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

I assumed the role of mentor.

And:

I enjoyed spending time with my mentees.

 

[dbrown]

I have underlined where punctuation is needed but, to be honest, you need a proofreader as there are many grammatical errors.
I wish you the best of luck on taking on a new challenge. Which country are you planning on studying in?

 

[teechar]

I have underlined where punctuation is needed but, to be honest, you need a proofreader as there are many grammatical errors.
I wish you the best of luck [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] with taking on a new challenge. Which country are you planning on studying in?

---------------------------------------------------
[Not a teacher]

.

 

[Tarheel]

I had forgotten about this thread. There are three things you can do if you want me to remember a thread. Those are: post there, give me some likes, and give it a catchy title. (If I get a bunch of likes at once I might miss some.)

I have started another project, but now that I have been reminded of this one I can return to it.

 

[Tarheel]

Summer school

Say:

Many of my colleagues have told me how enjoyable and educational their stay abroad was.

:up:

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Summer school

Say:

I want to apply for summer school for next summer, and I would like someone to look at my motivation letter.

You should not thank me ahead of time, but you may give me "Thanks" and "Likes" for these posts.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Summer school

Back to the paragraph. Say:

I would like to experience studying abroad for myself.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Summer school

Capitalization. We don't capitalizee "bachelor's degree". (You could also say "bachelor degree". They are both used.) Also, don't capitalize "accounting" or "finance" unless they are course titles.

 

[Tarheel]

Summer school

Next paragraph. Say:

Regrettably, a whole semester abroad is not possible for me since I am working on the side.

 

[Tarheel]

Summer school

Say:

However, I do not want to miss the chance to study abroad, which is why I am applying for the International Summer Academy 2017.

 

[Tarheel]

Summer school

Perhaps:

Your offer to attend summer school would perfectly fit in with my schedule.

 

[Tarheel]

Summer school

Say:

Thanks to the XY Summer Academy I could benefit from studying abroad without being away from home for a whole semester.

 

[Tarheel]

Summer school

The rest of it is rather confusing to me. For example, what do you mean by "greater opportunities and obstacles"?

I suggest that you rewrite those paragraphs with the goal of making things clearer.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Summer school

Please do not crowd too much into one sentence. It can make the sentence hard to read and confusing.

 

[bubbha]

Second paragraph. Say:

Since October 2016 I have been in the master degree program.

Don't forget the apostrophe-s after "master"!! It's "master's degree".

This is a shibboleth: people who write or say "master degree" are instantly identified as being non-native English speakers.

 

[bubbha]

Re: Summer school

Capitalization. We don't capitalize "bachelor's degree".

Usually not, but you need to look at how the school uses the term. Some schools actually like to capitalize degrees in their literature, and if they do so, you should do the same.

The Chicago Manual of Style recommends against capitalization, however.

Also, it is always "bachelor's degree" in English. "bachelor degree" is very commonly used by non-native speakers, but I've never seen a native speaker say or write it without the 's. It just sounds wrong to my internal English circuitry.