Monologue from Black Slave's Perspective

[NarutoDude]

Here's my monologue:



Claude, I’ve had enough of being a slave. I’m going to escape. I overheard Master Poulin saying that he will sell me down south. I can‘t bear it here anymore. He treats me like a dog. No, worse than a dog, he treats me like a British flag. I want to be free, I want to be free with you. We’re going to escape tonight. I know it’s going to be dangerous, but I can’t stand living one more day with the master. I don’t care if I get caught. Heaven and hell are both better than here. I can steal a hammer and bang a hole in the wall of my room. But no, that would way too loud. Master’s guards are bond to hear. Wait! I thought of something else. We can cause a distraction and run away while master’s guards are busy with the distraction. We need something loud; really loud. What if we eat lots of beans? But that’ll give our position away. What else can we do? I know! We can set his house on fire and run away while they’re busy putting out the fire. I can burn my wooden wall. Then, the fire will spread throughout the house. Then, we’ll escape. Oh no, I hear someone coming. I’ll meet you at the hen house at sundown.


Any suggestions?

 

[RonBee]

Claude, I've had enough of being a slave. I’m going to escape. I overheard Master Poulin saying that he will sell me down south.

I'm not certain of the expression, but it is, I think, something like my suggestion. (It's definitely not sell me to the South.)

(More later perhaps.)

 

[RonBee]

I don’t want to get sold and I hate being a slave. I want to be free, and I want you to go with me. We’ll escape tonight.

Much of it doesn't seem like a conversation but instead what somebody is thinking about saying.

 

[Anglika]

It lacks vigour and does not encourage the reader to continue.

"I am desperate! I have just heard I am to be sold down south. I cannot bear it. I shall end as a field slave and all my life I've been a house-slave. I must get away, but how can I? What do I need? Where shall I go? Who might help me?"

 

[NarutoDude]

Thanks for your advices everyone. I make several changed in the monologue. Since this was the first time I wrote a monologue, I didn't know much about writing it. Are there any ways to make it sound like a black person said it? Kind of like Mark Twain's books.


Gillnetter, that was suppose to be a joke, but I took it out because not many people get it.

 

[RonBee]

Thanks for your advice everyone. I made several changes in the monologue. Since this was the first time I wrote a monologue, I didn't know much about writing one.

Making changes to the original posting can make the criticisms seem meaningless, which is partly why I ask people not to do that.
:-(

Are there any ways to make it sound like a black person said it? Kind of like Mark Twain's books.

You can read some of Paul Lawrence Dunbar's poetry (much of which was written in dialect).

Gillnetter, that was suppose to be a joke, but I took it out because not many people get it.

It doesn't make much sense to build a wall (a defensive structure) when you simply want to get away (escape).

 

[Anglika]

I would seriously question the sense in trying to recreate the inflexions and structures of language as spoken by slaves. For a start, when is this putative slave living? Is he imported or home-bred? Has he learned his English from his owner and owner's family or from other slaves?

Far better to concentrate on learning what makes a monologue as opposed to a dialogue, and how to make the reader interested.

 

[NarutoDude]

I won't have enough time to redo it and make it sound like a black person talking because it's due on Friday. Anyways, thanks for all your help

 

[Anglika]

I really would not be concerned with trying to make it sound like a Black slave - unless you have a recording of one to help you. Far more important is to have a lively and well-structured monologue.

Would you mind posting your revised version to let us see what you have done?