Keith

[Do228]

Is this text correct or should it be rephrased?

Keith is an Englander gone overweight who's in an abominable situation. The whole misery began when he made the huge mistake to allow five unknown women to move into his house who since then have been cooking and baking vast amounts of sweet rice and pastries for him every day which he never can resist. He has become so obese that he's not able to move anymore and is now doomed to lie on the couch all day and night long. If no wonder happens, he's probably going to die within the next few weeks or months and the women will have the whole house all for themselves. It should be a warning to all credulous humans that you must choose wisely to whom you grant permanent access to your property.

Here are some ideas of mine for alternate terms that might sound better:
credulous humans - gullible humans, humans of facile nature
vast amounts - incredible quantities
gone overweight - gone on the superheavy side
warning - wake up call
unknown women - extrinsic women, tramontanes
abominable - parlous

 

[emsr2d2]

Is this text correct or should it be rephrased?

Keith is [STRIKE]an Englander[/STRIKE] an overweight English man [STRIKE]gone overweight[/STRIKE] who's in an abominable situation. [STRIKE]The whole[/STRIKE] His misery began when he made the huge mistake [STRIKE]to allow[/STRIKE] of allowing five unknown women to move into his house. [STRIKE]who[/STRIKE] Since then, they have been cooking and baking vast amounts of irresistible sweet rice and pastries for him every day. [STRIKE]which he never can resist.[/STRIKE] He has become so obese that he's not able to move anymore and is now doomed to lie on the couch all day and night. [STRIKE]long.[/STRIKE]

[STRIKE]If no wonder happens,[/STRIKE] Without a miracle, he's probably going to die [STRIKE]within[/STRIKE] in the next few [STRIKE]weeks or[/STRIKE] months and the women will have the whole house [STRIKE]all[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] to themselves. [STRIKE]It[/STRIKE] This should be a warning to [STRIKE]all[/STRIKE] everyone [STRIKE]credulous humans[/STRIKE] that you [STRIKE]must choose wisely to whom you grant permanent access to[/STRIKE] should be careful who you allow to live in your property.

Here are some ideas of mine for alternate terms that might sound better:
credulous humans - gullible humans, humans of facile nature :cross: I don't like any of these. If I had to use anything, I'd use "naive people".
vast amounts - incredible quantities I prefer "vast" to "incredible".
gone overweight - gone on the superheavy side :cross: People don't "go overweight etc". They can "become overweight" or just "be overweight"
warning - wake up call :tick:
unknown women - extrinsic women, tramontanes :cross: "Extrinsic" isn't in common use and I've never heard of "tramontanes". Google hasn't enlightened me. I can't find it.
abominable - parlous You could use that if you wanted.

Please see my changes and my comments on your suggested alternatives.