John arrived home, exhausted.

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

John arrived home, exhausted. He felt like he'd been in state of constant daze. He took a bottle of wine from the cabinet and took a long swig. He felt empty inside and decided to fill the hole with the entire bottle of Burgundy. A few hours later, he crumpled on the couch, murmuring to the empty room. He was roused with the incessant sound of the door bell. Opening the door, he saw a medium-height silhouette under the halo of the hallway lamp. The figure stepped inside the house and said, "May I come in?"

"I'm drunk as hell but I think you are already inside my house," answered John. Even through his wine-induced haze, he could see how beautiful this woman was.

 

[Tarheel]

Is this correct and natural?

John arrived home, exhausted. He felt like he'd been in a state of constant daze. He took a bottle of wine from the cabinet and took a long swig. He felt empty inside and decided to fill the hole with the entire bottle of Burgundy. A few hours later, he crumpled on the couch, murmuring to the empty room. He was roused with the incessant sound of the door bell. Opening the door, he saw a medium-height silhouette under the halo of the hallway lamp. The figure stepped inside the house and said, "May I come in?"

"I'm drunk as hell, but I think you are already inside my house," answered John. Even through his wine-induced haze, he could see how beautiful she was.

OK

 

[Tdol]

It sounds a bit much for one bottle of wine.

 

[alpacinou]

It sounds a bit much for one bottle of wine.

You mean a person wouldn't be in a haze?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

You mean a person wouldn't be in a haze?

It depends on the person. Some would be perfectly functional, others would be hammered. Most wine enthusiasts would be tipsy but not smashed.

Your characters seem to find themselves in altered states quite often.

 

[emsr2d2]

Most people who are fairly used to drinking alcohol would easily be able to drink a bottle of wine over the course of an evening without becoming absolutely hammered (blotto/smashed/p*ssed/paralytic/sh*tfaced).

 

[Bassim]

I am a learner and non-native speaker, but I feel I have to tell you my thoughts about your writing.
I don't want to discourage you from writing, but I have read a few of your texts, and I think your writing is terrible. You seem to lack basic knowledge of writing fiction. For example, you used "took" twice in the same sentence, which is a sign of amateurish writing. A professional writer wouldn't use "felt" either, and instead would describe how John felt. Likewise, it could be said for "exhausted." You have to describe how John was exhausted. You should avoid using the passive "was roused." Nothing special happens in this scene. It is bland, and leaves a reader unaffected. Readers want to experience something interesting, otherwise they don't want to waste their time on a boring text.

There is "Open Library" where you can register for free and borrow 10 books at time. A few books are indispensable for everyone who writes fiction .

Renni Browne: Self-editing for fiction writers
Don McNai: Editor-proof your writing
Raymon Obstfeld: Crafting scenes

There are hundreds of others useful books which you can find on this site.
You can borrow "The Collected Stories" by William Trevor and learn how he creates different scenes and characters. If you don't have a strong character, your story will always appear bland.

I would rewrite the above text in this way.

John came back home, exhausted as if he had marched the whole day. Every bone in his body hurt, and he smelt his stale sweat. His brain was dizzy and confused. He grabbed a bottle of vodka from the cabinet, poured it into the glass and drained it. Then he poured another one, and the third, but anxiety and void inside him only grew. He dragged himself to the sofa, muttering as he lay. A doorbell jerked him out of his dream. Bleary-eyed and drowsy, he shuffled to the door and, as he opened it, he believed he was still dreaming because in front of him stood the most beautiful woman. Her almond-shaped, dark eyes stared at him with fear. "Please, may I come in?" her voice shook with emotion. "Secret police are after me."

John watched her as if he were spellbound. One part of him wanted to hug her and pull her inside, but another part warned him not to take any risk. Secret police was no joke, and John had no desire to mess with them. But the girl's eyes was burning into him, and on impulse, he pulled her inside and closed to door. She was shaking. John held her fragile body and said, "Relax, you're safe here."

 

[alpacinou]

I am a learner and non-native speaker, but I feel I have to tell you my thoughts about your writing.
I don't want to discourage you from writing, but I have read a few of your texts, and I think your writing is terrible. You seem to lack basic knowledge of writing fiction. For example, you used "took" twice in the same sentence, which is a sign of amateurish writing. A professional writer wouldn't use "felt" either, and instead would describe how John felt. Likewise, it could be said for "exhausted." You have to describe how John was exhausted. You should avoid using the passive "was roused." Nothing special happens in this scene. It is bland, and leaves a reader unaffected. Readers want to experience something interesting, otherwise they don't want to waste their time on a boring text.

There is "Open Library" where you can register for free and borrow 10 books at time. A few books are indispensable for everyone who writes fiction .

Renni Browne: Self-editing for fiction writers
Don McNai: Editor-proof your writing
Raymon Obstfeld: Crafting scenes

There are hundreds of others useful books which you can find on this site.
You can borrow "The Collected Stories" by William Trevor and learn how he creates different scenes and characters. If you don't have a strong character, your story will always appear bland.

I would rewrite the above text in this way.

John came back home, exhausted as if he had marched the whole day. Every bone in his body hurt, and he smelt his stale sweat. His brain was dizzy and confused. He grabbed a bottle of vodka from the cabinet, poured it into the glass and drained it. Then he poured another one, and the third, but anxiety and void inside him only grew. He dragged himself to the sofa, muttering as he lay. A doorbell jerked him out of his dream. Bleary-eyed and drowsy, he shuffled to the door and, as he opened it, he believed he was still dreaming because in front of him stood the most beautiful woman. Her almond-shaped, dark eyes stared at him with fear. "Please, may I come in?" her voice shook with emotion. "Secret police are after me."

John watched her as if he were spellbound. One part of him wanted to hug her and pull her inside, but another part warned him not to take any risk. Secret police was no joke, and John had no desire to mess with them. But the girl's eyes was burning into him, and on impulse, he pulled her inside and closed to door. She was shaking. John held her fragile body and said, "Relax, you're safe here."

I appreciate your comments. Bear in mind that I write these passages very quickly for the sake of practice and my focus is usually on specific parts and collocations within the passage and not the entire thing.

Your passage is actually not too bad but generally, you try too hard and it's a bit over the top. "Every bone hurt"? "he was dreaming"? "Spellbound"? Not stuff I would like to see in any book.

And you tend to repeat the same words.

In any case, you are always welcome to offer your opinion in my threads and I would love to read more of your stuff.

 

[Tarheel]

Welcome back, Bassim!

I couldn't help notice that you guys are critical of each other. Please do your best to keep it civil.

While "Every bone in his body hurt" isn't meant literally, it is a bit cliche. Having said that, it does make the point.

Alpa, Bassim does have some stories in this subforum (most of them with my responses).

That's all for now.

 

[Bassim]

Tarheel,

I just wanted to illustrate for alpacinoutd how to use "show don't tell" rule, but of course, this is his text, and he can write as he want. My intention was not to lecture him, but to show him how to polish his writing so that it becomes more interesting.

 

[Tarheel]

Tarheel,

I just wanted to illustrate for alpacinoutd how to use the "show don't tell" rule, but of course, this is his text, and he can write as he wants. My intention was not to lecture him, but to show him how to polish his writing so that it becomes more interesting.

You know a lot!

 

[5jj]

I think your writing is terrible.

Is that supposed to be objective literary criticism?

You seem to lack basic knowledge of writing fiction.

I don't recall alpacinoutd ever telling us they were experts in this field.

a sign of amateurish writing.... A professional writer wouldn't use .... You should avoid using the ... Nothing special happens in this scene. It is bland, and leaves a reader unaffected

You seem to forget that alpacinoutd is not a professional writer but someone who comes here for help in improving their writing. in a foreign language.

 

[Bassim]

I told apacinoutd what I thought about his writing because I felt I should do that. I would be grateful if someone told me where I made mistakes rather than I was groping in the dark. I had read through some of his posts and noticed that he repeated the same mistakes, probably without noticing them. I also suggested which books he should read to improve his writing. I believe that most people want to improve their writing and are grateful for advice.
If you sent your novel to a literary agent and in the same sentence used "took" twice, he or she would throw it immediately into the wastebasket, because by making such a simple mistake, you proved that your writing is careless.
Alpacinoutd often asks if his text sounds natural, probably because he wants to write well. To write well means to write concise and precise, using as much words as possible.
I also noticed that he is unable to create an interesting scene, and therefore I suggested which book he should read to learn how to write them. If I were a teacher, I would rather read a text that catches my attention than spend my time on something that leaves me unmoved.

 

[Tdol]

I honestly believe that alpacinoutd has a certain spark and ability, and can come up with things that catch my interest.

 

[YAMATO2201]

To write well means to write concise and precise, using as much words as possible.

Do you mean "To write well means to write concisely and precisely, using as [STRIKE]much[/STRIKE] many words as possible"?

(I guess you mean "... write concisely ... using as few words as possible".)

 

[tedmc]

I think professional writers wouldn't be posting their work here for editing. Giving suggestions and constructive criticisms is fine, but not putting people down.

 

[Tdol]

Do you mean "To write well means to write concisely and precisely, using as [STRIKE]much[/STRIKE] many words as possible"?

(I guess you mean "... write concisely ... using as few words as possible".)

Orwell would agree with you.