Is this letter witch request for autograph correct?

[Alohau]

I wrote letter to Derren Brown with request for autograph. Is this correct? i will send it soon.

Dear Derren
My name is Marcin. I am 15 years old. I live in Poland. I am interested in music and animals.
I am also interested in mentalism, psychological illusion and hypnosis thanks to you.
I am reading your book "Tricks of the mind". I hsve watched your programs : The heist,
System,Russian roulette, Messiah and Fear and faith. They are very interesting.
I know that you are busy so I do not write more because I think I am one of many people,
but i have a request: Could you give me autograph on this photo?
Regards, Marcin
[h=1][/h]

 

[teechar]

I wrote a letter to Derren Brown with a request for an autograph. Is this correct? I will send it soon.

Dear Derren,

My name is Marcin, and I am 15 years old. I live in Poland, and I am interested in music and animals.

I am also interested in mentalism, psychological illusion and hypnosis thanks to you.
I am reading your book "Tricks of the Mind". I have watched your programs-- The Heist,
System, Russian Roulette, Messiah and Fear and Faith. They are very interesting.

I know that you are busy, so I do not write more because I think I am one of many people,
but I have a request: Could you [STRIKE]give me[/STRIKE] please autograph [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] this photo for me?

Regards,

Marcin

.

 

[Alohau]

.

Thank you very much

 

[Alohau]

Is this version correct too?
Dear Derren,

My name is Marcin, and I am 15 years old. I live in Poland, and I am interested in music and animals.

I am also interested in mentalism, psychological illusion and hypnosis thanks to you.
I am reading your book "Tricks of the Mind". I have watched your programs-- The Heist,
System, Russian Roulette, Messiah and Fear and Faith. These programs are very interesting.

I know that you are busy, so I do not write more because I think I am one of many people who do this ,
but I have a request: Could you , please autograph on this photo for me?

Regards,

Marcin

 

[thminh88]

I am not a native speaker, but here is my best shot.
Anyone thinks that my correction isn't correct, please give me your criticism. Thank you.

"My name is Marcin, and I am 15 year old. I live in Poland, and I am interested in music and animals.

I am also interested in mentalism, psychological illusion and hypnosis thanks to you.
I am reading your book "Tricks of the Mind". I have watched your programs: The Heist,
System, Russian Roulette, Messiah and Fear and Faith. These programs are very interesting.

I know that you are busy, so I will stop my letter here.
But could you please autograph on this photo for me? I really appreciate that.


Regards,

Marcin"

I remove the part " I think I am one of many people who do this". I think it will confuse the reader because he would ask "do what". You can ask for his autograph directly (as you already did in your next sentence).

 

[teechar]

I am 15 year old.

Incorrect!

I (have) removed [STRIKE]the part[/STRIKE] "I think I am one of many people who do this". I think it will confuse the reader because he/she would ask "do what?".

Read the preceding text "not write more."

 

[Alohau]

Which version is correct? :
I know that you are busy, so I will stop my letter here.
or

I know that you are busy, so I stop my letter here.

 

[teechar]

The first one.