Inquiring about the accuracy of email content

[Shadi]

Dear all,
I want to sent an email to graduate department to ask about an issue. I wonder to know is the below email text true and formal?

" Dear Dr. ......I am writing to inquire about approaching faculty members for graduate supervision in the ........ Department.
Concerning the process of applying to ..... University, I've introduced Professor ........ as my favorite supervisor in my SOP since we have mutual interests. I've sent an email to Professor ....... before and after applying process but my email hasn't opened yet and I'm not sure about Professor's decision about choosing me as one of the candidates who eager to be supervised by her. Therefore, I wonder to know that should I email other professors since I have little time for matching with a supervisor or I should wait for Professor ...'s decision first?

Thank you in advance for your attention to my request. I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours sincerely, "

 

[emsr2d2]

Dear all,

I want to sent an email to a/the graduate department to ask about an issue. [STRIKE]I wonder to know[/STRIKE] Is the [STRIKE]below[/STRIKE] email below [STRIKE]text[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]true[/STRIKE] correct and formal?

" Dear Dr. XXX

I am writing to inquire about approaching faculty members for graduate supervision in the XXX Department.

Concerning the process of applying to XXX University, I've introduced Professor XXX as my favorite supervisor in my SOP since we have mutual interests. [STRIKE]I've sent an email to[/STRIKE] I have emailed Professor XXX before and after [STRIKE]applying[/STRIKE] the application process but my email hasn't been opened yet and I'm not sure [STRIKE]about[/STRIKE] if Professor XXX [STRIKE]decision about choosing[/STRIKE] will choose me as [STRIKE]one of the[/STRIKE] a [STRIKE]candidates[/STRIKE] candidate [STRIKE]who eager[/STRIKE] to [STRIKE]be supervised by her[/STRIKE] supervise.

Therefore, I wonder [STRIKE]to know that should[/STRIKE] if I should email other professors [STRIKE]since[/STRIKE] as/because I have little time left [STRIKE]for matching[/STRIKE] to match with a supervisor or if I should wait for Professor XXX's decision first?

Thank you [STRIKE]in advance[/STRIKE] for your attention. [STRIKE]to my request.[/STRIKE]

I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours sincerely, "

See above. It's not particularly formal.