[Grammar] If possible, could someone can go through my letter and check the grammar?

[edd909]

I had a limit of 270 words for this letter, so content of text is not as good as it could be. ;/
You can give me some advises if possible
Thank you guys in advance

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing with regard to the article published on your magazine concerning the importance of keeping in touch with people. I would like to give my view on this article and state that good relationship with relatives is the main key to harmony in the human’s life. More specifically I am going to share my opinion on positive and negative factors of being away from your family which in my case arose from moving to another country.
Firstly, last year I made a hard decision and chose to study abroad. Changes of environment in your life can cause painful moments. A lot of people experience a so called “culture shock” - the moment when processes and communication seems to be done in other way as use to be. In these kinds of circumstances the most important thing is to keep in touch with your family. It is hard to get accustomed therefore advice from your closest ones is needed. Talking can help you feel better and understand everything more clearly or even see things from different point of view.
Secondly, people should not avoid contacts with their friends as they are part of your environment. Socializing is the trigger to an individual’s happiness. Friends are a ‘tool’ to change your understanding of the procedures around you. Moreover, this ‘tool’ stabilizes your mentality, which makes you a ‘normal’ human being.
To conclude, my advice to the reader would be to turn more attention on communication between your loved ones. Talking and socializing is one of the most important interactions in life. Practising these two skills will only help you to feel satisfied about yourself.
Kind regards,

 

[Grumpy]

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing [STRIKE]with regard to[/STRIKE] about the article published [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] in your magazine concerning the importance of keeping in touch with people. [STRIKE]I would like to give my view on this article and state that [/STRIKE] I believe that a good relationship with one's relatives is the main key to harmony in [STRIKE]the human’s[/STRIKE]anyone's life. [STRIKE]More specifically I am going to[/STRIKE] I would like to share my opinion on some of the positive and negative factors of being away from your family, which in my case arose from moving to another country.
Firstly, last year I made a hard decision and chose to study abroad. Changes of environment in your life can cause painful moments. A lot of people experience a so called “culture shock”, [STRIKE]the moment [/STRIKE]when processes and communication seem[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] to be done in [STRIKE]other way as use to be[/STRIKE] ways different from what they are used to. [Note: this ends the sentence with a preposition, but rules are made to be broken sometimes] In these [STRIKE]kinds of [/STRIKE]circumstances, the most important thing is to keep in touch with your family. It is hard to get accustomed to changes, therefore advice from your closest ones is needed. Talking can help you feel better and understand everything more clearly, or even see things from a different point of view.
Secondly, [STRIKE]people[/STRIKE] you should not avoid contacts with [STRIKE]their [/STRIKE] your new friends, as they are part of your new environment. Socializing is the trigger to an individual’s happiness. Friends are a ‘tool’ to change your understanding of the procedures around you. Moreover, this tool stabilizes your mentality, [STRIKE]which makes[/STRIKE] making you a ‘normal’ human being.
To conclude, my advice to the reader would be to turn more attention on communication [STRIKE]between[/STRIKE] with your loved ones. Talking and socializing [STRIKE]is one[/STRIKE] are two of the most important interactions in life. Practising these [STRIKE]two[/STRIKE] skills will [STRIKE]only[/STRIKE] help you to feel satisfied about yourself.
[STRIKE]Kind regards[/STRIKE]Yours faithfully,

 

[tom3m]

NOT A TEACHER


To Edijs:

You can give me some advises if possible

We don't use the word 'advice' in plural - it's uncountable.

To teachers: Can I ask what's wrong with 'with regard to' at the beginning of the article?

Thank you in advance

 

[SlickVic9000]

(Not a Teacher)

"With regard to" is fine, but we do have a saying English that "Brevity is the soul of wit".

 

[Esredux]

(Not a Teacher)

...we do have a saying English that "Brevity is the soul of wit".

Unfortunately, not in the exam writing tasks.

 

[edd909]

Thank you Grumpy, I really appreciate your help, I can see that there is a lot to improve as I have been using English for only a year from now.

Thank you guys