[General] Help on correcting a short Text

[modar]

Hello everyone,

I wrote a scene (more like a teaser) in which two guards are dragging one man to cast him down into an abandoned cave. The following lines are spoken by a narrator ( the cave guard ) who is watching the whole thing.

"He's not the first and he won't be the last, for the weak must always pay for the mistakes of powerful.
These countless years of watching men cast down, never to return, have made me realize that only an unearthly power could put an end to this madness."

English isn't my native language so I hope you guys can give me some advice to enhance grammar, logic and most of all the fluency of the lines,
and please don't be shy, if the text sucks or it sounds clumsy just say it.

Thank you.

 

[tedmc]

What do you mean by "cast him down into an abandoned cave"?
My understanding of "to cast somebody down" is to make him discouraged or dejected.
The saying usually goes - "this/that is not the first time and it won't be the last"(not he won't be the last).

 

[modar]

Hello tedmc,

What do you mean by "cast him down into an abandoned cave"?
My understanding of "to cast somebody down" is to make him discouraged or dejected.

I meant to forcibly send him deep down the cave or throw him deep down the cave.

one of my favorite bands "Insomnium" used this expression in one of their songs called "Weather the storm"
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/insomnium/oneforsorrow.html#11

The saying usually goes - "this/that is not the first time and it won't be the last"(not he won't be the last).

Hmmm, the narrator is actually watching the guards as they are dragging the man, so what I'm trying to imply is that this man isn't the first one to be treated like that.

thank you.

 

[Barb_D]

This is all fine.
I'd suggest as a matter of style omitting "These" - Countless years of...
Or
After countless years ... return, I've come to realize that...

 

[modar]

This is all fine.
I'd suggest as a matter of style omitting "These" - Countless years of...
Or
After countless years ... return, I've come to realize that...

Ah great suggestions, they do sound better!

BTW, when you say "This is all fine" could it possibly be 7/10? maybe less?

Thank you.

 

[Barb_D]

7/10?

 

[modar]

I mean what score would you give the text from 0 to 10?
You said the text is fine so I assumed it may score 7 out of 10.