[Essay] ...held a finger...

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rodgers white

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Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

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Yang, as boys do, became interested in girls. It was not anything special at first, and later, no one would be able to remember the exact moment it had happened but, it was like one day girls did not exist and the next day they did, then he talked about almost nothing else, this girl that and that girl this etc. Gan and Jingying wondered which girl would be the one, and then one-day, Lanhua winked at her parents and held a finger to her lips. "She is the one, don’t say anything."

Her name was Qingmei, and if she wasn’t so obviously a girl, no one would even have thought they could be anything but friends. Qingmei, like Yang, was a hunter. Her parents were farmers, but Qingmei had no interest in farming, so her parents paid for her to train as a hunter with Lili and Laohu. That was how Yang had met her, and they quickly became friends, inseparable friends while hunting, at first, that was all it was, friendship. Then one day as they were tracking a deer, Qingmei's fingers touched Yang's as they often had before, but this time it was different, without a thought, Yang's fingers closed around hers, and a shiver ran up both their arms, from that moment everything changed. Lost in the moment, they also lost the deer they were tracking.
 
Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

************************************************************************

Yang, as boys do, became interested in girls. It was not anything special at first, and later, no one would be able to remember the exact moment it had happened, but it was as if one day girls did not exist and the next day they did. Then he talked about almost nothing else, this girl that and that girl [STRIKE]this etc[/STRIKE]. Gan and Jingying wondered which girl would be the one, and then one-day, Lanhua winked at her parents and held a finger to her lips. "She is the one, don’t say anything."

Her name was Qingmei, and if she wasn’t so obviously a girl, no one would even have thought they could be anything but friends. [I don't understand that sentence. Should he be looking for someone who isn't obviously a girl? You might rephrase.] Qingmei, like Yang, was a hunter. Her parents were farmers, but Qingmei had no interest in farming, so her parents paid for her to train as a hunter with Lili and Laohu. That was how Yang had met her, and they quickly became friends, inseparable friends while hunting. At first, that was all it was, friendship. Then one day as they were tracking a deer, Qingmei's fingers touched Yang's as they often had before, but this time it was different, without a thought, Yang's fingers closed around hers, and shivers ran up both their arms. From that moment everything changed. Lost in the moment, they also lost the deer they were tracking.
It moves along well. Be careful, though. You're slipping into run-on sentences again!
 
It moves along well. Be careful, though. You're slipping into run-on sentences again!


Thank you for reminding me. As for 'if she wasn’t so obviously a girl, no one would even have thought they could be anything but friends', I mean at first they definitely didn't behave like a pair in love in their daily life but treated each other like a playmate. If it was not for the reason that Qingmei was a girl, no one would have thought they could be in love. But one day, something happened between them. The long friendship starting from the childhood suddenly became a kind of excited but wonderful feeling in their hearts without even noticing it.

Maybe I can rephrase the sentence like that: and she and Yang
played games together innocently when they were young and treated each other like a best friend.

So, now is there any room to improve, or do you have something to share?
 
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Oh! I get it now. Sorry. I must have been a little sleepy when I read it.

The phrase "not so obviously" can mean "not very obviously," which is how I read it: that she wasn't obviously a girl. Now I see that's not what you mean.

It might confuse others, too. Or maybe not.
 
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