Harry was dreaming.

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

Harry was dreaming. His ex was in bed with a man with no face. He woke to the patter of rain on the window of his bedroom. Pulling the curtain, he found rivulets of water running down the glass. He stepped out into the garden. The scent of blossoms mingled with the smell of rain, wafting through the crisp air, enchanting Harry. The rain freshened leaves were laden with fat droplets of water looking like diamonds. The flower petals were sprayed with raindrops. Harry was trying to bury the memory of his ex amid this otherworldly garden, but her image kept creeping up in his mind.

 

[emsr2d2]

You need something after "Pulling the curtain", before the comma. Can you work out what?
How did he step out into the garden without opening either the window or a door?
Her image kept creeping into his mind, not up in his mind.

 

[alpacinou]

You need something after "Pulling the curtain", before the comma. Can you work out what?
How did he step out into the garden without opening either the window or a door?
Her image kept creeping into his mind, not up in his mind.

Do you mean I need plural s for curtain? Curtains?

Can I say this? Opening the door, he stepped out into the garden.

 

[emsr2d2]

No. You need another word after "curtain". We don't just pull a curtain. Think of words to do with direction.

Was the rain running down the glass of the door that he later opened?

 

[alpacinou]

No. You need another word after "curtain". We don't just pull a curtain. Think of words to do with direction.

Was the rain running down the glass of the door that he later opened?

Harry was dreaming. His ex was in bed with a man with no face. He woke to the patter of rain on the window of his bedroom. Pulling the curtain aside, he found rivulets of water running down the window glass. He strode towards the door and opened it to step out into the garden. The scent of blossoms mingled with the smell of rain, wafting through the crisp air, enchanting Harry. The rain freshened leaves were laden with fat droplets of water looking like diamonds. The flower petals were sprayed with raindrops. Harry was trying to bury the memory of his ex amid this otherworldly garden, but her image kept creeping into in his mind.

 

[emsr2d2]

Much better.

I would say "He strode towards the door, opened it and stepped out into the garden". Your version, with "and opened it to step out into the garden" only tells us his purpose in opening the door. It doesn't actually say that he went into the garden.

And you need a hyphen in "rain-freshened".

I'd say "fat droplets of water that looked/sparkled like diamonds".

He wasn't "amid" a garden. He was "in" a garden. He was "amid" various plants.

 

[alpacinou]

He wasn't "amid" a garden. He was "in" a garden. He was "amid" various plants.

Does this work?

Harry was trying to bury the memory of his ex in this otherworldly garden, forget her amid this feast of foliage, but her image kept creeping into in his mind.

 

[jutfrank]

I have a problem reconciling fat droplets, which are rounded, with diamonds, which are angular. Both words are used to describe very different shapes.

 

[alpacinou]

I have a problem reconciling fat droplets, which are rounded, with diamonds, which are angular. Both words are used to describe very different shapes.

https://www.withclarity.com/blog/2019/12/11/round-vs-oval-diamonds-shape-comparison/

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Harry was dreaming. His ex was in bed with a man with no face. Harry woke to the patter of rain on the window of his bedroom. Pulling the curtain aside, he found rivulets of water running down the window glass. He strode towards the door and opened it to step out into the garden. The scent of blossoms mingled with the smell of rain, wafting through the crisp air, enchanting Harry. The rain-freshened leaves were laden with fat droplets of water looking like diamonds. The flower petals were sprayed with raindrops. Harry was trying to bury the memory of his ex amid this otherworldly garden, but her image kept creeping into in his mind.

One common problem in English is pronoun confusion. In some languages, pronouns are tied to the nearest noun that fits. (Here, that's the man with no face.) But in English, if you say "He woke to the patter," we don't know for sure whether Harry is waking up from the dream or the faceless man is waking up in the dream. Saying "Harry woke" leaves no room for doubt.

Window glass isn't bad, but window pane is more likely. Or just window.

And I notice that he hasn't stepped out yet. He's still in the doorway.

 

[emsr2d2]

I have a problem reconciling fat droplets, which are rounded, with diamonds, which are angular. Both words are used to describe very different shapes.

After I posted, I realised the same thing. I would use "sparkled like diamonds" because that has nothing to do with their shape.