First paragraph of a novel

[nidahasa]

First, her Facebook account disappeared. There is no doubt that there was a terrific beauty of a literal disappearance in it. Like a power blackout in a deep dark night. Your bed, your cloth rack, your ashtray, table with books all over it… A moment ago everything was there … But not anymore. Just like that, a moment ago she was keeping youth eyes glued to her with her usual mysterious, amorous smile, and boom, she is gone. Her non-exitance was much deeper and heavier than her existence has ever been. It started to feel like that the whole cyberspace was devastated by the pain of a deep bereave, definite non-existence. Like the Luver after the Mon Lisa has vanished.

What do you think of this as the starting paragraph of a novel? Appreciate your opinions.

Thank you

 

[teechar]

First, her Facebook account disappeared. [STRIKE]There is no doubt that there was a terrific beauty of a literal disappearance in it.[/STRIKE] That was pretty dramatic, like a power blackout [STRIKE]in a deep[/STRIKE] on a dark night. Your bed, your clothes rack, your ashtray, table with books all over it - all suddenly invisible. [STRIKE]moment ago everything was there But not anymore.[/STRIKE] Just like that, a moment [STRIKE]ago[/STRIKE] before, she was keeping youth eyes glued to her with her usual mysterious, amorous smile, and then boom; she is gone. Her non-exitance was much deeper and heavier than her existence has ever been. It started to feel for her followers [STRIKE]like[/STRIKE] that the whole cyberspace was devastated by the pain of a deep bereavement - a final and permanent loss, [STRIKE]definite non-existence.[/STRIKE] like the Louvre after the Mona Lisa [STRIKE]has[/STRIKE] vanished.

What do you think of this as the starting paragraph of a novel? I appreciate your opinions.

Thank you.

See corrections above.
I don't understand the underlined sentence.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

It's an interesting start. You'll need to do some work to reel it in. A few things.

1. The second sentence has me flummoxed.

2. A blackout isn't very dramatic when the night is already deep and dark.

3. And when did the Mona Lisa vanish?

 

[emsr2d2]

3. And when did the Mona Lisa vanish?

It was stolen from the Louvre on 21st August 1911.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

It was stolen from the Louvre on 21st August 1911.

I live, I learn.

 

[probus]

See corrections above.
I don't understand the underlined sentence.

Me neither. I don't think exitance is even a word.

Correction: I see that exitance is indeed a valid word, but it's obviously not appropriate in this context.

 

[Tarheel]

Her nonexistence was much deeper and heavier than her existence had ever been.

I don't know how you can equate the deletion of somebody's Facebook account with the deletion of a person.

 

[probus]

If you've ever tried to delete your Facebook account (as I have) you will know that it is impossible. Facebook is like the mafia: once you've joined you can never leave.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Me neither. I don't think exitance is even a word.

Correction: I see that exitance is indeed a valid word, but it's obviously not appropriate in this context.

It sounds like a cross between and exit and an entrance.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Nidahasa, are you still here?

 

[Tarheel]

If you've ever tried to delete your Facebook account (as I have) you will know that it is impossible. Facebook is like the mafia: once you've joined you can never leave.

I am having problems right now with Facebook. I bought a new phone, and the Facebook app that came with the phone had somebody else's account--a fake one. I got them to remove the fake account, but they still think I am that person. ::-(

 

[emsr2d2]

I am having problems right now with Facebook. I bought a new phone, and the Facebook app that came with the phone had somebody else's account--a fake one. I got them to remove the fake account, but they still think I am that person. ::-(

That suggests to me that it was a refurbished phone or at least one that someone had briefly owned and then returned. If that's not how it was advertised, whoever you bought it from should replace it with a brand new one.