[Essay] Essay correction

[Dijaa]

Hello,

I wrote an essay about the following topic and I wish you correct me and tell me how can I improve my essay.

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

Thank you for your time.

After finishing high school, many students might be exhausted by studies. A large part of people encourage young people to take a break of one year just to work or travel before starting university studies. Rich young people can spend this year in traveling and discovering world, but poorer one have to work for being economically independent.
There are many reasons to make a decision like that, many students who had just finished their high school studies have no experience in life or they have not enough money to start studying in university. I think that if a student travel, he will meet other people and he will have an exchange of experience or more exactly he will learn from the experience of others. Also, he will enjoy his time and get a new breath to start again their studies. The poor student, if he works one year he will earn money and he will be able to pay the fees of study. However, stopping studies for one year might create some problems to students such as losing some opportunities. For example, in our country if you have the possibility to study medicine this year, next year you risk to do not have access to it because your mark do not allow you to pass the test. Moreover, when young people stop studying they cannot returning to their studies or finding difficulties to re-adapt to an academic program. In conclusion, I think that people have to encourage students to discover new horizons and to know what they want in this life. Taking a break of one year can bring student the ability to do best choices and reaching his objectives.

 

[Tarheel]

Maybe rather than saying they (students) are exhausted it might be better to say they are weary of studying and want to do something else for a while.

Say:

traveling and discovering the world

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(Does the type have to be so small?)

When do you need to turn this in to your teacher?

 

[tedmc]

A large part of people encourage young people to take a break of one year just to work or travel before starting university studies. Rich young people can spend this year in traveling and discovering world, but poorer one have to work for being economically independent.

Most people encourage youngsters to take a break of a year or so to work or travel before starting university studies. Those with the means can spend a year to travel and see the world but the less lucky ones have to work to be financially independent.

not a teacher

 

[Tarheel]

1. We can only guess at what you mean to say. (You are supposed to do the work, not us.)
2. Since you have not answered my question, I think it is fair to say it is homework and is going to be graded.
3. You have created several sentences which I don't think you truly understand. (How can you if I can't figure them out?)
4. There is a reason I tell people so often to make shorter, simpler sentences. Do you know what that reason is?