[General] ...day from night...

[rodgers white]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

************************************************** *****************

More peace would I have if I could die and be gone; for as it is now I can't tell day from night... So pained I am by love.

 

[Tarheel]

For me, poetry is an art form that allows the artist to combine both poetry and a visual work of art within a single art piece. Words and paintings are a perfect combination to provide a snapshot into our minds and thoughts. Would you please proofread my sentences and share what you imagine when you look at the painting? Any help would be appreciated. Here are the words and the painting.

************************************************** *****************

More peace would I have if I could die and be gone; for as it is now I can't tell day from night. So pained am I by love.


View attachment 3831

As indicated, I would switch I am to am I. However, I don't know how to explain why. (There is no need for an ellipsis.)
:-?

 

[emsr2d2]

Please stop using ellipses inappropriately. They are not a replacement for closing punctuation marks.

 

[rodgers white]

Please stop using ellipses inappropriately. They are not a replacement for closing punctuation marks.

Got it. Sometimes I just use an ellipsis as a way to write something I want to say but actually I don't know how to express it. Thank you for reminding me again.

So now the version:

More peace would I have if I could die and be gone; for as it is now I can't tell day from night. So pained am I by love.

Is there any room for improvement, or do you have any suggestions?

 

[Tarheel]

Got it. Sometimes I just use an ellipsis as a way to write something I want to say but actually I don't know how to express it. Thank you for reminding me again.

So now the amended version:

More peace would I have if I could die and be gone; for as it is now I can't tell day from night. So pained am I by love.

Is there any room for improvement, or do you have any suggestions?

You might want to put a comma after "night" and make it all one sentence.

 

[emsr2d2]

If you want to indicate a space in which you want to insert something but you don't know what, I suggest laying it out like this (as they do in "fill in the gap" exercises"):

I can't tell day from night ______________ so pained I am by love.

Then make it clear that you would like us to suggest something to go in the space.

 

[rodgers white]

What about this version:

More peace would I have if I could die and be gone; for as it is now I can't tell day from night and my soul is sleepless because so pained I am by love.

 

[emsr2d2]

What about this version?

More peace would I have if I could die and be gone; [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] as it is now, I can't tell day from night and my soul is sleepless [STRIKE]because[/STRIKE] so pained am I [strike]am[/strike] by love.

See above.

It's too flowery for my taste but each to their own.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Please stop using ellipses inappropriately. They are not a replacement for closing punctuation marks.

I've tried explaining that. Rodgers just likes the darn things.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

As indicated, I would switch I am to am I. However, I don't know how to explain why. (There is no need for an ellipsis.)
:-?

To my ears, am I is fine there. Different strokes for different folks!

 

[emsr2d2]

To my ears, am I is fine there. Different strokes for different folks!

You're agreeing with Tarheel. He said he would change it to "am I" and you then said it was OK for you too. Did you mean to say that you thought "I am" was OK?
I changed it to "am I" as well (post #8).

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

You're agreeing with Tarheel. He said he would change it to "am I" and you then said it was OK for you too. Did you mean to say that you thought "I am" was OK?
I changed it to "am I" as well (post #8).

You're right. I got it backwards. What I meant was that in that sentence both ways seem fine to me — but that if Tarheel likes one better, that's good information, too.

 

[rodgers white]

I've tried explaining that. Rodgers just likes the darn things.

Thank you for reminding me again. Sometimes it's difficult to get rid of bad habits in our writing. I will do my ultmost to avoid using the ellipsis if unnecessary.

 

[rodgers white]

See above.

It's too flowery for my taste but each to their own.

Thank you for your comment. Could you share your version in your taste, please?

 

[Tarheel]

Thank you for reminding me again. Sometimes it's difficult to get rid of bad habits in our writing. I will do my ultmost to avoid using the ellipsis when they are unnecessary.

The original might mean something else. (I don't want you thinking you are unnecessary. )

 

[Tarheel]

Thank you for your comment. Could you share your version in your taste, please?

Well, it's your sentiment. I'm not at all sure she has a version.

 

[jutfrank]

More peace would I have if I could die and be gone; for as it is now I can't tell day from night. So pained am I by love.

Is there any room for improvement, or do you have any suggestions?

I think it's excellent. Well done. I suggest you change can't to cannot.


By the way, I think the main reason that am I works better than I am is that the inversion there reflects the inversion at the beginning of the phrase: More peace would I have (not More peace I would have).

 

[emsr2d2]

My less flowery version:

I'd be happier if I was dead. Right now, I don't know if it's day or night cos I'm so heartbroken.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Thank you for your comment. Could you share a version that suits (or fits) your taste, please?

We only use in with taste for phrases like "in good taste" or "in bad taste."

Now you know!