Can you comment on the grammar and style of this essay?

[tamaraw12345]

The scholarship committee in my college required me two write a very short paragraph to justify my financial grant application. I wonder if this is good enough.

"My father is a minimum wage earner and the only working member of our family. Given our deprived financial standing, my sister and I have relied on various financial grants to support our education. This scholarship is my only opportunity to pursue my studies in this esteemed institution without adding burden to our financial condition. If approved, I will earnestly devote myself to studying."

 

[tedmc]

The scholarship committee in my college require[STRIKE]d[/STRIKE] me[STRIKE] two[/STRIKE] to write a very short paragraph to justify my financial grant application. I wonder if this is good enough.

"My father is a minimum (low) wage earner and the only working member (breadwinner/provider) of our family. Given our deprived financial standing, my sister and I have relied on various financial grants to support our education. This scholarship is my only opportunity to pursue my studies in this esteemed institution without adding burden to our financial condition (situation). If the scholarship is approved, I will earnestly devote myself to studying."