As Linda was strolling

[Bassim]

Have I made any mistakes?

As Linda was strolling through town, her eyes caught the sight of a poster for the piano recital by Olga, her schoolmate from twenty years ago. "I can't believe," she screamed. "Olga, the shyest of all and the ugliest has became a star." In her mind's eye, she saw little Olga, plump and red-cheeked, sitting stiffly at a school desk and writing away in her exercise book.

 

[Tarheel]

Have I made any mistakes?

As Linda was strolling through town, her eyes caught the sight of a poster for the piano recital by Olga, her schoolmate from twenty years ago. "I can't believe it!" she screamed. "Olga, the shyest of all and the ugliest has became a star." In her mind's eye, she saw little Olga, plump and red-cheeked, sitting stiffly at a school desk and writing away in her exercise book.

I would probably say sitting at her school desk.

 

[emsr2d2]

Have I made any mistakes?

As Linda was strolling through town, [STRIKE]her eyes[/STRIKE] she caught [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] sight of a poster for [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] a piano recital by Olga, her schoolmate from twenty years ago. "I can't believe it," she screamed. "Olga, the shyest [STRIKE]of all[/STRIKE] and [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] ugliest girl of all has [STRIKE]became[/STRIKE] become a star." In her mind's eye, she saw little Olga, plump and red-cheeked, sitting stiffly at a school desk and [STRIKE]writing[/STRIKE] scribbling away in her exercise book.

See above.

 

[Tarheel]

Hm. I would normally have made the correction Ems made (she instead of her eyes). (I can see it now. I am sitting in a little room where they let me have a mobile device that doesn't do anything.)

On the other hand, there's a place that screams for an exclamation mark.

 

[Bassim]

I believe an exclamation mark would be correct at the end of "I can't believe it!"

 

[Tarheel]

Yes. The phrase "she screamed" virtually begs for an exclamation mark.