An emotional account of a boss and his workers

[hatimhussain]

I have fabricated the following story to find out my mistakes in;

1. The usage of tenses.
2. The usage of vocabulary
3. Orderliness

Please guide me.

PART-1

1. Yet again Robert rebuked Tony this morning. Tony had over sighted just a single typographical error while proofreading a draft of as many as 15 pages. “Tony you have been working for this Organization for thirteen years now and still can’t you proofread immaculately”, Robert, his boss, yelled.
2. A couple of days ago Robert had shouted at Tony just because a better part of Tony’s shirt had come out of his trousers from the backside. “How can you be so unkempt? Don’t you know the office decorum? Put your shirt inside your trousers, will you”, Robert roared in front of the whole staff. Tony, a Private Secretary in Robert’s Organization, just lowered his head in disgrace.
3. It was quite unusual behavior for a man who was known to be a kindhearted, cheerful and accommodating, suddenly turned into a hostile, surly and rude person within one and half month or so. “He seems to have lost control of his mind”, the workers thought in disgust. Some of them in fact started to mock him behind his back.
4. Tony was not the only victim of Robert’s rebuking; in fact, all the workers were tolerating his insulting behavior.
5. They were afraid that if argued, they would definitely be laid off. Robert had already fired two workers since they had hit back at Robert’s unbecoming slating.
6. Tony had been with Robert since the founding of Robert’s Organization. He had worked along with Robert ceaselessly to take it from nowhere to a whopping organization. Undoubtedly, in return Robert also rewarded him with handsome salary package and above all, always spoke highly of him.
7. Tony was now quite concerned with Robert’s mental condition which was getting deteriorated by every passing day. After all, he had enjoyed long pleasant relationship with his boss and at times, he had found Robert more of a friend than a typical boss.
8. The ever-congenial atmosphere inside the organization completely changed. The smiles and contentment on the faces of the workers vanished.

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

[Tarheel]

The word is overlooked.

Apparently, Tony is not perfect yet.

 

[Tarheel]

I'm not sure why Organization is capitalized.

 

[hatimhussain]

Tarheel I have rephrased the first paragraph to show that Tony was a competent worker.

1. Yet again Robert rebuked Tony....Robert, his boss, yelled. Everyone present at that occasion, felt pity on Tony to see him being condemned by Robert so harshly, because they knew that Tony, the most senior employee of the organization, was quite immaculate in his working. "Sporadic mistakes were only natural. "Robert’s anger towards Tony was just because of his ailing mental state of mind", they believed.

 

[Tarheel]

Yet again Robert rebuked Tony.

You can say that, but normally we would want to know why.

Robert, his boss, yelled.

Again, you can say that, but normally we would want to know who he yelled at and what was the reason for the yelling.

You use a couple of words strangely. For one thing, I wouldn't use immaculate that way (if I would use it at all).

 

[Tarheel]

Be careful that you don't make any mistakes--sporadic or otherwise.

 

[hatimhussain]

I have again rephrased the first paragraph with some alterations. Please see.

Yet again Robert rebuked Tony this morning. Tony had overlooked just a single typographical error while proofreading a draft of as many as 15 pages. “Tony you have been working for this Organization for thirteen years now and still can’t you proofread perfectly”, Robert, his boss, yelled at him. Everyone present at that occasion, felt pity on Tony to see him being condemned by Robert so harshly, because they knew that Tony, the most senior employee of the organization, was quite perfect in his working. "Sporadic mistakes were only natural.Robert’s anger towards Tony was just because of his sick mental state of mind", they believed.

 

[Tarheel]

I have again rephrased the first paragraph with some alterations. Please see.

Yet again Robert rebuked Tony this morning. Tony had overlooked just a single typographical error while proofreading a draft of as many as 15 pages. “Tony you have been working for this organization for thirteen years now and still you can't proofread perfectly”, Robert, his boss, yelled at him. Everyone present at that occasion felt pity on Tony to see him being talked to by Robert so harshly, because they knew that Tony, the most senior employee of the organization, was very good at his work. Robert’s anger towards Tony was just because of his sick mental state of mind, they believed.

Please note corrections.

The term "sporadic mistakes" doesn't work.

 

[hatimhussain]

Would it be appropriate if I replace "sporadic mistakes" with "occasional mistakes"?

 

[Tarheel]

Yes, that would be better.

 

[hatimhussain]

Please correct the remaining part of my story. Thank you

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

was deteriorating every passing day

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

Tony, a private secretary in Robert's organization, lowered his head in shame.

 

[hatimhussain]

Tarheel, please guide me about the difference between "disgrace" and "shame".
.

 

[Tarheel]

That's a toughie. It's about usage. I'll have a go at it. The word "disgrace" is more about behavior. (Example: "He was caught embezzling funds and resigned in discrace.") The word "shame" is more about feelings. (Example: "He felt ashamed about the bankruptcy.")

I hope that helps.

 

[hatimhussain]

O.K.

So, in your sentence;

"He was caught embezzling funds and resigned in disgrace"
can't I replace "disgrace" with "shame"?

 

[Tarheel]

I don't see how it works there, but you can do whatever you want.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

It was quite unusual behavior for a man who was known to be kind-hearted and cheerful. Instead he had become hostile, surly, and rude.

And:

Some of them mocked him behind his back.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

Tony was not the only victim of Robert's abuse. Indeed, everybody in the office had been targeted by him at one time or another.

 

[hatimhussain]

I would appreciate your overall evaluation about this piece of writing, after you have corrected the remaining part of this story.

Thank you