An emotional account of a boss and his workers (Part III)

[hatimhussain]

[h=2][/h]

I wrote this story to find out my mistakes in;

1. The usage of tenses.
2. The usage of vocabulary
3. Orderliness

Please guide me.

PART-III

1. For Tony, every word Robert said, speared through his heart. He held Robert’s hand in sympathy. He was lost for words to console Robert who was suffering from a pestilent disease.

2. “Why didn’t you tell me about it earlier; there was a hint of whine in Tony’s voice.

3. “I did not want to bother you”, mumbled Robert. They remained silent for a while; Tony perhaps searching for words to soothe him; Robert perhaps gathering words to say him good-bye.

4. “Now listen to me Tony”, he broke the silence. Harshness in his voice recurred. Tony did not mind. “I want you to accomplish all the deals we have made with other companies.” I believe you are capable enough to handle these issues in my absence.

5. “My doctors have advised me to be hospitalized immediately”, said Robert. Tony just gazed Robert blankly, as if he was dreaming and when awoke, this horrible episode would be over. He jerked his head and tried to concentrate what Robert was saying. “Who knows it might by our last meeting?” Robert whispered. Tony remained silent.

6. He wanted to raise Robert's spirits by saying that we all are to die one day. We are in a queue waiting for our turn. Good health and favorable environment might prolong our life span, but death is inevitable.

7. But he didn’t say this to Robert, thinking that in this predicament, Robert needed solacing not preaching.

8. "Have you informed your sister, Samantha?", Tony inquired. “Yes, I have; she is coming from Germany this evening.”

9. "Tony, do you remember those days when we were in the process of establishing the company?" Tony nodded. “Yes, I do.”. “After a laborious day when we got to my house, Samantha would prepare for us delectable food. “Yes, Robert, how can I forget that period of my life? It was wonderful”.

10. Tony could see a glint in Robert’s eyes while remembering the past. “Tony you know she is the only relation I have in this whole world. She was quite upset to know about my illness and was desperate to see me. I need you to be with her all the time.”

11. “I will”, he reassured Robert. Robert started his car and asked Tony to go inside the company.

12. Robert’s withered face clung to Tony’s thoughts the whole day. Why Tony was not himself? Why was he indifferent towards his company’s affairs? Why was he so peevish towards his workers? He had got the answer.

13. He was about to leave the office when his cell phone rang. "Hello, Tony, this is Samantha. Tony please get to the hospital, Robert is on the ventilator and doctors are trying to save his life;” she blubbered. He was stunned to hear this but very quickly controlling his emotions, he responded. Calm down Samantha, I am coming.

14. After an half hour drive when Tony reached the ward of the hospital he saw Samantha crying, covering her face with both hands. It was all over. A white sheet covered
Robert's body. Tony hugged Samantha who was in severe grief.

15. "Robert’s condition had worsened in the afternoon. Doctors tried their best to save his life but failed." Samantha sobbed out.

16. In his last days Robert had prepared all legal documents to name Samantha as a sole beneficiary of his all properties and bank balance.

17. Samantha has now taken over the company’s affairs. She has inherited all the traits of her late brother. She is as favorite amongst her workers as Robert was. And yes, Tony has been rewarded as a Manager of the company.

THE END.


​

 

[Tarheel]

Re: An emotional account of a boss and his workers

1. For Tony, every word Robert said speared through his heart. (No comma after said.)

And;

He was at a loss for words to console Robert, who was suffering from a deadly disease.

(I think I have figured out what my job here is. It's to tell you when you've gone too far. That is, it's okay to be creative (which seems to be the point). At the same time, you be too creative. That is, you want the sentences to be natural.

We don't want our writing to be idiosyncratic.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: An emotional account of a boss and his workers

2. "Why didn't you tell me about it earlier?" There was a hint of whine in Robert's voice.

3. "I did not want to bothet you," mumbled Robert.

... Robert perhaps gathering words to tell him goodbye.

------------- -------- -------------
The word sooner might word better than earlier here.

 

[Tarheel]

4. "Now, listen to me, Tony." The harshness in his voice returned. "I want you to make sure we live up to the deals we made with other companies. I believe you are capable of handling these issues in my absence."

 

[hatimhussain]

Re: An emotional account of a boss and his workers


Tarheel, I am sorry due to my little knowledge of English language I couldn't get your points.
1. Am I too creative?
2. Is my writing idiosyncratic, (i.e. unusual)?

 

[Tarheel]

5. "My doctors told me I need to go to the hospital right away," said Robert. Tony just gazed at Robert blankly as if he was dreaming and when he woke up the nightmare would be over. He tried to concentrate on what Robert was saying. "Who knows? This might be our last meeting," Robert whispered.

 

[Tarheel]

6. Some thoughts should be kept to yourself.


(a favorable environment)

 

[Tarheel]

Re: An emotional account of a boss and his workers

Tarheel, I am sorry due to my little knowledge of the English language I couldn't get your points.
1. Am I too creative?
2. Is my writing idiosyncratic? (i.e. unusual)?

Sorry. I didn't see this before.

I'm trying to help you with word choice. In my opinion, pestilential disease doesn't work. But the term deadly disease is natural, and it fits.

Writing that's idiosyncratic is something only the writer understands.

 

[Tarheel]

8. The word "informed" is too formal here. Use "told" instead.

 

[Tarheel]

9. Try something other than laborious day.

 

[Tarheel]

9. Try:

"After a hard day at work we would go to my house and Samantha would cook some delicious food for us."

 

[Tarheel]

10. Try:

"Tony, she is the love of my life. She was quite upset to learn about my illness ...."

 

[Tarheel]

11. Tony went inside the building, not the company. (A company is not a tangible thing.)

 

[Tarheel]

12.

Say:

Why was Robert not himself?

And:

Why was he so peevish toward his coworkers?

And:

He had to find the answer.

I think the leukemia might have something to do with it.
:roll:

 

[hatimhussain]

Yes Tarheel, since his doctors had already told Robert that he would not survive for long, it made him behave like that.

 

[hatimhussain]

Re: An emotional account of a boss and his work PART-III ers

Tarheel, I believe your answer to my this question will help me make my writing understandable to all;

Is my plot of the story, is idiosyncratic? OR
Is my choice of words, that makes my writing idiosyncratic?
Please guide.

 

[Tarheel]

13. "Robert is on the ventilator, and the doctors are trying to save his life."

14. After a half-hour drive, Tony reached the hospital and went to the ICU. He saw Samantha crying, covering her face with both hands.

Perhaps:

Tony grabbed ahold of Samantha and held her while she cried.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: An emotional account of a boss and his workers

Tarheel, your answer to my this question will help me make my writing understandable to all;

Is my plot of the story, is idiosyncratic? OR
Is my choice of words, that makes my writing idiosyncratic?
Please guide.

I didn't mean to say your writing is characterized by idiosyncracy. I said that's something we want to avoid.

I've suggested better word choices when I think it's appropriate.

I think one of the good things about the corrections/suggestions is you can compare the parts that have a lot of them to the parts that have hardly any and note the differences.

(It's getting late here. I'll finish tomorrow.)

 

[Tarheel]

16. the sole beneficiary

17. Samantha has taken over the company. She has inherited all the traits of her late brother., and she is as much a favorite with the workers as he was. And Tony was rewarded with a promotion to manager.

I thought Tony was already a manager.

 

[hatimhussain]

Yes, it was my mistake. Perhaps, I should have promoted Tony to General Manager.