After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived. Taking off her shoes, she entered the house. They didn’t have a dining room. Their kitchen was at the corner of a small living room carpeted with an old, green rug. Her mom was in the kitchen, doing the dishes. “Where the hell have you been,” yelled Julia busy at the sink, washing a frying pan. “You are lucky your father isn’t home yet.” She turned her head and took a quick glance at Nicole, turned her head back towards the dishes, and back to Nicole again, staring at her with an open-mouth. She turned off the faucet and stepped towards her. Her tone changed when she looked at Nicole’s face. All the color had drained from her cheeks.

 

[emsr2d2]

Without anything before it, saying "Nicole arrived" is odd. Say where she arrived. Who are "they"? You've missed a basic punctuation mark from Julia's first line. There shouldn't be a hyphen in "open mouth". It's not a compound adjective - it's an adjective and a noun. If you want the hyphen, say "... staring at her, open-mouthed".

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Is this correct and natural?

After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived. Taking off her shoes, she entered the house. They didn’t have a dining room. Their kitchen was at the corner of a small living room carpeted with an old, green rug. Her mom was in the kitchen, doing the dishes. “Where the hell have you been?” yelled Julia, busy [STRIKE]at the sink,[/STRIKE] washing a frying pan. “You're lucky your father isn’t home yet.” She turned her head and took a quick glance at Nicole, turned her head back towards the dishes, and back to Nicole again, staring at her with an open mouth. She turned off the faucet and stepped towards her. Her tone changed when she looked at Nicole’s face. All the color had drained from her cheeks.

Pronoun confusion: Whose cheeks? The word had suggests Nicole's. The context suggests Julia's. Better spell it out.

We can assume that the sink is where she's washing the frying pan.

 

[alpacinou]

Thank you to two first-rate editors. I will fix the mistakes.

I've added this. Is it okay?

“Nicole, what happened?” asked Julia, her eyes darting up and down her daughter.

What are some ways of expressing a situation where a person is looking another person and their eyes move up and down quickly?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

She looked her over quickly.

 

[alpacinou]

Is this also okay?

“Nicole, what happened?” asked Julia, her eyes darting quickly up and down her daughter.

 

[tedmc]

I don't think one can say "darting slowly".
What do you mean by "her eyes darting up and down her daughter"?

 

[Tdol]

Was the kitchen a separate room?

 

[alpacinou]

Was the kitchen a separate room?

It was at the corner separated by a waist-high wall. Why?

 

[Tarheel]

Separated from the rest of the apartment, I guess.

 

[Tdol]

It was at the corner separated by a waist-high wall. Why?

In that case, I would use in the corner.