A short observation story

[MS3330]

The following is a short observation story. Could you please let me know how I can improve it?

Morag, Fraser’s mum, sent us a very lovely card and let us know they moved the house and Fraser won’t be returning to the MCCC next year. We arranged a play date as we knew Fraser and Kia have become great friends.
When I was packing the picnic basket, Kia kept saying "one juice for Kia, one juice for Fraser", "one apple for Kia, one apple for Fraser" ….
In the car while I was driving he kept asking me "Is Fraser there? Can I play with Fraser?" ….
We went to Royal Botanical garden. Fraser and Kia played together and had fun in the water playground. They played Hide and Seek while both of them hide in the same time and closed their eyes in the same time.
They were not happy when we decided to get back home.
We promised them to arrange another playdate.

 

[Tarheel]

Morag, Fraser’s mum, sent us a very lovely card and let us know they moved the house and Fraser won’t be returning to the MCCC next year. We arranged a play date for them as we knew Fraser and Kia have become great friends.

Did they really move the house, or did they move to a different house?

When I was packing the picnic basket, Kia kept saying "one juice for Kia, one juice for Fraser", "one apple for Kia, one apple for Fraser" until I was finished packing everything.

In the car while I was driving, he kept asking me "Is Fraser there? Can I play with Fraser?"
We went to the Royal Botanical Garden. Fraser and Kia played together and had fun at the water park. They played hide and seek, and both of them hid at the same time and closed their eyes at the same time.
They were not happy when we decided to go home.
We promised to arrange another playdate.[/QUOTE]