a pale spread on his skin

[alpacinou]

Hello.

I'm trying to describe a stroke/heart attack in a dramatic way.

Is this good?

He moaned in agony. Then the pain shooting up and down his body gave way to a silent panic. His jaw fell. His face turned red. A pale crept into his skin and spread. His hands started shaking and his arms twitching. There was forth on his lips. John collapsed.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hello.

I'm trying to describe a stroke/heart attack in a dramatic way.

Is this good?

He moaned in agony. Then the pain shooting up and down his body gave way to a silent panic. His jaw fell. His face reddened. A pallor crept into his skin and spread. His hands started shaking and his arms twitched. There was froth on his lips. John collapsed.

Yes. (At least it's vivid enough. I don't know the symptoms of strokes or heart attacks.)

 

[Tarheel]

I would prefer:

His hands shook and his arms twitched.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember FAST.*

*Face, arms, speech, time

A person's speech might be slurred, or they might stop speaking altogether.

 

[emsr2d2]

His skin either went red or it paled. It can't have done both at the same time.

 

[Tdol]

Did he really stop feeling pain when the panic started?

 

[alpacinou]

Okay, what about this?

He moaned in agony. His screams gave way to a silent panic. He wanted to shriek to express the pain shooting up and down his body but he was speechless. His jaw fell. A pallor crept into his skin and spread. His hands shook and his arms twitched. There was froth on his lips. John collapsed, his body shaking violently. Then it all stopped. He was gone.

 

[Tarheel]

Well done!
:up:

 

[alpacinou]

Well done!
:up:

I can feel my progress thanks to this forum and its generous members.