a million thoughts kept creeping into her mind

[alpacinou]

Hello.

What can I say about nervous thoughts that keep coming to a person's mind?

Is this good?

She lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. A million nervous thoughts kept creeping into her mind, as if they had invaded her, a million negative thoughts tugging at her brain. She was being raped by her own thoughts. She felt a pain in her chest. Inside her was like a furnace, seething with negative thoughts.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Vivid. Those thoughts are more than just nervous. They're agonizing, tormenting.

Regarding word choice:

- I'm not sure raped is the right word. It might be too specific.

- And negative has a somewhat clinical or academic sound. If you can think of a one- or two-syllable word, that might be stronger.

 

[alpacinou]

Vivid. Those thoughts are more than just nervous. They're agonizing, tormenting.

Regarding word choice:

- I'm not sure raped is the right word. It might be too specific.

- And negative has a somewhat clinical or academic sound. If you can think of a one- or two-syllable word, that might be stronger.

I see. How about this?

Is it okay to mention nervous once at the beginning?

She lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. A million nervous thoughts kept creeping into her mind, as if they had invaded her, a million tormenting thoughts tugging at her brain. She felt a pain shooting up and down her chest. Inside her was like a furnace, seething with agonizing thoughts.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Better.

 

[alpacinou]

Better.

Something tells me you don't like it that much. Can it be saved so that it is a "good" piece?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Something tells me you don't like it that much. Can it be saved so that it is a "good" piece?

It's good. Carry on!